WorkSMART Blog

I was delighted to have Hilary Blair share insights as a vocal coach and facilitator of leadership development at a recent Show & Share. We explored how our voices reveal more about us than we realize — and how balancing tone, breath, and delivery can sharpen our impact as trainers and facilitators. Hilary's live demonstrations are invaluable, so I encourage you to listen to the recording alongside this summary. Balance your Treble and Bass We spend so much time thinking about and tweaking our content that we often don't think about our voice and the impact it has on our message and our audience. A deep bass voice can come across as resonant and soothing, but can also be hard to understand if not balanced out. A higher-pitched treble voice adds warmth and meaning, but can become a little grating over time. You can experience the difference yourself: say "hee," then place your hands on your chest and say "hey" — you'll both feel and hear the vibration. The trick is to balance your treble and bass registers as a way of also balancing warmth and clarity. Project your Voice through your Breath If you want to be louder, you can't simply push more sound out of your throat — it comes from letting your breath flow outward. Give it a whirl. First, try speaking as if you've just eaten onions and don't want anyone to smell your breath, then without that restriction. The contrast is immediate. Balance your Vowel and Consonant Sounds Vowels are open sounds, like a free-flowing river. Think of the slow, cooing sounds you'd make with a baby: "oooh, aww, mama." Because vowels require more air to produce, they carry the emotional content of your message. Consonants, by contrast, carry the intellectual content — think of a detective clipping out, "Tell me the facts, the facts, and the facts only." Vocal experts often describe consonants as the banks of the river. As Hilary puts it, "vowels are associated with the emotional and consonants with the intellectual content." This is why doctors delivering test results often stick to crisp consonants — they may be intentionally minimizing emotional weight. When trainers try to make themselves clear, they often default to emphasizing consonants. But elongating vowel sounds can actually improve clarity just as much. Try this: say "What are your questions?" quickly, focusing on the consonants. Listeners might get the impression you're not really open to hearing any. Now say it again, more slowly, opening up the vowel sounds — notice the difference. Remember to Exhale and Get the Air Out A deep breath is really more about the exhale than the inhale. Focus on the release, and let your breath flow freely. When you exhale intentionally, the inhale will follow naturally — it's a physiological response. Voices that Become Too Much Hilary discussed several vocal patterns and their impact on communication effectiveness, including what she calls the "too much club" — where people are told to reign in some vocal habit. Here are a few patterns to watch for: Monotone — Often adopted to sound serious, professional, or not too dramatic. But monotone strips away the musicality of your voice — the "prosody" — that helps people actually absorb your message. Precious Voice (the preschool teacher voice) — This happens when we push our voice from our throat in an attempt to sound sincere. It often comes across as the opposite. Upspeak — Raising your voice at the end of a phrase may feel like a way to avoid being pushy or overwhelming, but it's frequently perceived as sounding incompetent, uncertain, or young. Hilary compared upspeak to a dog rolling over to show it's not a threat. However, phrases that "land down" tend to be received as more credible. Vocal Fry — The most relaxed, low-effort voice. It can sound like you simply don't care, and is often associated with an overly casual affect. None of these patterns is inherently "bad," but they can get in the way of connection and clarity. The key is awareness and intention. Vocal Care in Training Settings Vocal fold swelling is the main cause of voice loss — but a few simple exercises can help. Humming vibrates your vocal cords, increases blood flow to the area, and helps reduce inflammation. It's also a great warm-up for this reason. "Raspberries" (blowing air through relaxed lips) force you to release your breath and relax your delivery. Voice Coach Q&A A few participants shared specific challenges, asking Hilary for some quick tips. Highlights include: To avoid being perceived as "preachy" during C-suite presentations, Hilary suggested opening your throat, being careful not to swallow your words; maintaining dialogue rather than monologue, especially when presenting to senior executives. For those who tend toward mumbly speech, Hilary provided exercises to help with clearer enunciation. Practice mouth movements using tongue twisters like “Ba-da-ga” (forward and backward) or "bodega." Reserved speakers looking to develop a more passionate communication style can avoid vocal fry during intense conversations by focusing on breath control and voice modulation. Your Voice as an Instrument Your voice is one of your most powerful tools as a trainer or facilitator — and like any tool, it improves with awareness and practice. Your voice is already an instrument; you just have to learn to play it intentionally. Start with one technique, notice the difference, and build from there. And don't forget to check out the recording to hear Hilary bring these concepts to life. Learn More A playlist of Videos on Voice The Voice and Speech Trainers Association Subscribe to Hilary’s ARTiculate: Real&Clear newsletter Hilary on Linkedin

Instead of a traditional icebreaker, many trainers like to start their session with a stimulating question to break the ice, foster introductions, help participants get to know each other, and reduce tension. Favorite questions include: Questions about you Tell us something your colleagues do not know about you. Who has been your best coach in their past and why? What would you do if you won the lottery? (I often offer my answer first to engender trust. I learn what motivates each person as well. Where they know each other, and I do not know them "What was a dream you had as a child?" (great for a visioning/goal setting workshop). Share a memorable moment of your life. What was your favorite hobby or pastime as a child? Introduce yourself simply with your name and an adjective that describes you. The adjective must start with the same letter as your first name! When you introduce yourself, tell us the best part of their job, the most difficult part of their job (if there is one), and what topic they are interested in learning more about after reviewing the table of contents. What does family mean to you? What are you most proud of in your life? What's your claim to fame? Questions about workshop goals Tell me why you are here (even if it’s because your boss told you to) and what your objectives are. I write it down on an easel pad and post it for the day, and review with the group as we go. Have small groups work on one of these questions: What are your biggest challenges related to________ in 2011? What are the key things you wish to do better related to__________? What drives you crazy related to________________? Using Peter Block's “Four Powerful Questions” (Flawless Consulting Skills, 2nd Edition, pages 283-286) ask: "On a scale of 1-7, with 7 as high answer, 1. How valuable do you plan this workshop to be? 2. How participative do you plan to be? 3. How much risk do you plan to take? 4. To what extent do you plan to be invested in the learning and well being of the whole group? NOTE: ask about their plans (action word) and NOT their expectations (a prediction), to shift accountability and ownership to everyone present. Ask this TRIO of questions: 1. What specifically do you want to take away from this workshop? 2. How will you achieve this? 3. How will you know when you have achieved this? Finally, imagine yourself applying the new behaviors in the workplace. Sharing and debriefing participant objectives After you've asked the questions and given your group time to consider them, have participants go through the objectives they have identified as a group and pick their top 2 or 3. Then ask for a show of hands on how many choose each objective. Explain to the group that you will use this as a tool to tailor the content to the class, focusing more time and energy on the objectives people really want.

This collection of ommunication exercises and listening activities is culled from a variety of LinkedIN discussions. 

A group of us gathered to discuss how we’re handling the new administration’s restrictions on DEI research and training. Susan Landay and Elizabeth Power co-facilitated the conversation. We sought to equip former and current diversity trainers with tools, support, and resources to move towards a next phase of training in Civility, Compassion and Cultural Sensitivity. Following are our notes, reflections, and take-aways. Access additional charts and PPT deck here. “It’s not something we do. It’s something we that we are” Roots of Diversity as a Polarizing Influence Using the Deming’s 5 Whys Methodology, we began by discussing the influences that have caused DEI and diversity to be “bad words.” We appreciated that much of the anti-diversity movement may be rooted in fear. Participants shared these possible explanations for that fear: Change: “Change is uncomfortable and holding on to what is familiar is in some way a survival practice. Having to unlearn and relearn takes a lot of deconstructing.” Fear and Threat: Difference and unknowns can be unsettling. Misunderstanding: Diversity is often misunderstood. Misinformation: Spread of misinformation contributes to fear. Exclusion and Power Shift: Some feel excluded or threatened as the established balance of power may shift. Social Media: Amplifies concerns about diversity. Win/Lose Perception: It feels like a win/lose situation. Whether or not the fear is justified, we strove to understand the cause of the polarization to guide us towards appropriate next steps. The group shared the perspective that building sensitivity, mutual respect, decency, and emotional intelligence are critical to both organizational success and personal happiness. Judgment and Stigma The group appreciates that judging and stigmatizing others is problematic, impeding team effectiveness and personal fulfillment. As Ms. Power reminds us, we only need sensitivity training as long we judge others’ differences as deficiencies. In fact, people tend to stigmatize those who are different from themselves, often due to a lack of understanding. Knowing that babies don’t come into this world judging or stigmatizing others, we must also appreciate judgment (at least in part) as a learned behavior. That said, historically, our good judgment has helped keep us safe from dangers and predators. Nonetheless , we must ask such questions as: Is my judgment sound? Why am I judging? Should I be judging others in the way I do? As professionals, we must appreciate the traumatizing impact of in/out jokes and imbalances of power. We must continue to advocate for marginalized or perceived-to-be marginalized groups. At the same time, we are well-served to put our energies toward looking for commonalities, rather than focusing exclusively on these differences. Tapping into the group’s feelings Those who have facilitated DEI-related training and leadership development efforts weighed in on how they’re feeling about the sudden shift away from sensitivity training. They expressed feeling: Out of control, like a bull-rider. Small – how can we fight these greater powers Focused – concentrating on strategy and figuring out how to move forward. Lost in a forest – hard to know where to begin Proud – Proud of the transformative work we do Strong – in dealing with difficult situations Fragile – if our work is not nourished and reinforced, might it be lost? Challenged – like I’m climbing a mountain Hasty – concerned that we’re racing so fast we may omit important details Frustrated – at the lack of information/strategy and scrubbing of language as everyone pauses and pivots. Bolstering our Power The group felt it might help to have tools and resources at their disposal. Having data that supports the need for broad perspectives might help substantiate the importance of their work. LinkedIn, McKinsey, BCG, and others have assembled a range of data points supporting the importance of diverse workforces: 60% of respondents in a LinkedIn study said that diversity within their sales team has contributed to their teams’ success. Employers that posted about diversity saw 26% more applications from women than employers who posted less. Our 2019 analysis finds that companies in the top quartile for gender diversity on executive teams were 25 percent more likely to have above-average profitability than companies in the fourth quartile—up from 21% in 2017 and 15% in 2014 (Exhibit 1). <McKinsey> Companies that reported above-average diversity on their management teams also reported innovation revenue that was 19 percentage points higher than that of companies with below-average leadership diversity—45% of total revenue versus just 26%. (See Exhibit 1.) <BCG> Access additional charts and PPT deck here. Beyond the Numbers Despite the importance of diversity for organizational success, the group shared these anecdotal perspectives: “We all lose if everyone is not at the table. We miss opportunities and can’t realize the benefits of synergy. “Engaged employees ensure the organization achieves its best results. Elizabeth Power is correct in saying that an imbalance of power reduces engagement. Enabling people to feel invited to contribute their best improves engagement and results. “Devaluing diversity stunts participation in the process, in the future.” Trigger Words vs. New Words We looked at a chart of Banned and Trigger Words in Federal Grant Writing in the Trump Administration 2.0. Among the words you might expect, we also found these: woman, advocacy, community, sense of belonging, historically, enhancing. Then, we brainstormed words that have not been targeted as trigger words: Authenticity, Civility, Commonality, Comfort, Compassion, Cultural Sensitivity, Dignity, Emotional Intelligence, Empathy, Ethics, Honesty, Individuality, Integrity, Knowledge, Resilience, Power, Respect, Safety, Stigma, Threat, Transparency, Trust, Unity. Strategies for “Not Diversity” Training Participants shared a range of resources and ideas for transforming current efforts for moving beyond DEI training, in settings where it has been targeted for elimination: Renaming: Use the brainstormed words to rename what we’re doing, focusing on Cultural Sensitivity, Understanding, Dignity, and Emotional Intelligence. Encourage Communication & Sharing! Trainers Warehouse Thumballs are a valued resource for initiating conversations that bring people together and build mutual respect and understanding. Consider conversation prompts that… Draw out Commonalities Hear about others’ past experiences, which shaped who they are today Develop Emotional Intelligence Foster Resilience Build Trust Strengthen workplace ethics Focus on Commonalities and Positive Interconnections: “Rather than focusing on ‘training,’ perhaps we focus on interests shared by people worldwide. Provide experiences that bring people together, instead of trying to teach people ‘how to think differently’.” Schedule a pot-luck: everyone brings a favorite dish and shares a story about their favorite food Take a turn with playlists: take turns allowing an attendee to kick off a weekly/monthly meetings by playing a favorite song. Cherished item: Ask participants to share a story of an important item in their home (clothing, jewelry, bowl, etc.) Draw on Resources Check out: https://icq.global/ Explore SHRM’s Civility Toolkit – It includes Political Conversations Playbook 5 Steps for Encouraging Civil Conversation Cards Against Incivility Civility Index Infographic and Abstract Look into the Say Yes program (targeted for high schoolers) Develop Emotional Intelligence: Actively listen to others, show empathy, acknowledge your own emotions, manage reactions to stress, offer constructive feedback, apologize when necessary, adapt your communication style to different situations, and reflect on your own emotions and how they impact others. Host a monthly Collective Learning Series, where a panel of employees and community partners share about their lived experience with a certain topic, e.g. foster care, veteran’s transitioning to civilian service, mental health, etc. It is very humanizing and helps employees understand different points of view and how we can better support one another Taking Action through Cultural Sensitivity Training Perhaps most important in the whole conversation was the overall framing and attitude captured by trauma expert, Elizbeth Power. She reminded us that it’s most important not to sit idly by but to take action! “It’s not about what you say, it’s about what you do.” ~ Elizabeth Power This mantra is crucial both in our training and in the development of new Sensitivity Training curricula. Remember, our overall goal is to increase communication and shared understanding of our commonalities – of what makes us alike, not different! Read More DEI & DEIA are NOT Unlawful– the law of the land is that discrimination is illegal Cultural Sensitivity Games & Activities – some of these activities may focus too much on bias for your current training climate, but you’ll still find applicable activities to build shared understanding. Shared Understanding Games & Exercises – same goes for this post. Icebreaker Questions for Work – here are oodles of conversation starter prompts, perfect for the workplace

Trainers always talk about “connections before content.” Icebreaker questions are critical starts to your training because they help learners connect with one another and with the topic they will be exploring. Looking for the perfect prompt for your next session. Let this be your guide! For each category of prompts, we’ll share 5 to 10 examples. If you want more variety, you can purchase a Thumball, UNZIP-it! Pocket or UNZIP-it! PowerPoint Deck. If you want ALL THE PROMPTS for ALL THE TOPICS, explore the Trainers EXCHANGE website. Get Acquainted Icebreaker Questions Some getting-acquainted conversation starters will fill silences but not develop deep relationships. Others, which explore motivations, personality traits, history, goals, and accomplishments, will lead to deeper understanding. Understandably, with any conversation starter, the person answering always has the option to make light of a question rather than sharing deeply. The themes listed below are (roughly) organized from skim-the-surface to dig-deeper discussion starters. FAVORITES Although this content asks respondents to respond with “favorites,” we always recommend asking for “one of your favorites.” Somehow, that seems to make it all a bit easier to answer the question. These prompts, which are among our favorites, include a range of topics, such as: Locations and destinations Ways to spend time Cuisines Art forms Preferences Because every prompt is about YOU, most people can respond to these pretty easily. Here’s a spattering of the contents found on this Thumball: Favorite thing to spend money on Favorite thing about getting older Favorite compliment to receive Favorite bit of advice you’ve ever received Favorite fad or trend you hope comes back Favorite day of the week Favorite way to spend a Sunday morning Favorite way to feel healthy Favorite childhood memory Favorite mode of transportation Find all the Favorites-style icebreaker questions in these great training tools from Trainers Warehouse Favorites Thumball $32.95 Favorites UNZIP-it! Card Deck and UNZIP-IT! Pocket $29.95 Favorites PowerPoint $7.95 WHICH ARE YOU? On this Thumball, you’ll find two words on each panel. They represent opposites. The goal is to understand if you are “this” or “that,” or if your preference lies somewhere in the middle. For instance: Work or Play Ask or Tell Highway or Back roads Self-serve or full-serve Sweet or salty Words or Pictures City or Country Imported or Domestic Letters or Numbers Store-bought or Homemade As you use the ball to learn more about friends and colleagues, you’ll find that the topics are quite broad and can be applied to work, home, communication styles, foods, activities, relationships, purchases, leadership, teams, and more. As you play, you can reframe a prompt to your specific location, situation, or objective. Find the full range of prompts here: Which are You and Why? Thumball $32.95 COMMON GROUND Dig into subjects that explore commonalities and shared experiences, for instance: Time: Ways to spend free time, weekends, vacations, etc. Favorites: Favorite foods, activities, apps, show, books People: Family and friends who impact your life Growth: Goals, talents, or skills you’d like to develop Moolah: What you’d spend money on You: claims to fame and more… Identify experiences and interests you share with others with prompts such as these: What does your perfect day look like? Favorite show(s) to watch What do you like to read? Sports I like to watch My favorite childhood memory What do you do regularly to stay healthy? Favorite art form (music, dance, art, theater, film) Who are the most important people in your life? Who in your family are you closest to? For good advice, who do you turn to first? For more prompts, or to purchase the product, click here: Common Ground Thumball $32.95 Common Ground UNZIP-it! Deck $29.95 Common Ground PowerPoint $7.95 WHAT MAKES YOU YOU? This interesting grouping of “What…?” questions helps colleagues identify what makes each person special. The conversation starters cover a range of topics, including: Skills and interests Quirks, wishes, and facts Motivations & fears Likes & dislikes Goals and contributions This sampling of icebreaker questions will give you a sense of the questions: What are you good at, but embarrassed to admit? What is something you like to do the old-fashioned way? What could you give a 30-minute presentation on with no prep? What is something you think everyone should learn? What amazing thing did you do that no one was around to see? What are you looking forward to in the coming months? What is the most impressive thing you know how to do? What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done that turned out okay? What is something you can never seem to finish? What would annoy you about having yourself as a roommate? Find the full sets of conversation prompts in these great training tools from Trainers Warehouse: What Makes You YOU Thumball $32.95 What Makes You YOU UNZIP-it! Deck $29.95 What Makes You YOU PowerPoint $7.95 GETTING TO KNOW YOU Getting to Know You questions are intended to be thoughtful and easy-to-answer. With them, you’ll be able to spark conversation and help players know more about each. Questions will explore: Experiences: memorable moments in your life People: Family and friends who have affected your life Most favorite and least favorite: Gifts, ages, sounds, chores Activities: pastimes, hobbies, bucket list items, travel Hopes, Fears and Wishes: the details that make you unique Least favorite mode of transportation A sound that you love A new skill you’d like to have (with no effort) The most difficult thing you’ve ever done? The age you’d most want to relive The age at which you became an adult An experience that made you a better person Something you did that got you in trouble One item on your bucket list Your claim to fame Probing prompts that get to your phobias, wishes, and favorite moments, explore these resources: Getting to Know You Thumball $32.95 Getting to Know You UNZIP-it! Deck $29.95 Getting to Know You PowerPoint $7.95 SESSION OPENERS These prompts will help build relationships and tease out session objectives to help trainers kick off their learning sessions. Prompts primarily cover these three categories: Getting to Know You: dreams, peeves, wishes, decisions, frustrations, talents Learning Styles: best teachers, preferred learning methods, learning goals Work Styles: proudest accomplishments, creative contributions, strengths I’m here because… I’ll be successful if… I’d like to change… Childhood dream A day I’d live over Most creative contribution I hope to learn… Oops! I forgot to… Greatest strength at work… I learn best by… For more session opener icebreaker prompts about goals, motivations, and aspirations, consider the Session Openers Thumball $32.95 Session Openers UNZIP-it! Deck $29.95 Session Openers PowerPoint $7.95 SHAPED BY OUR PAST The experiences in our lives shape who we are today. Engage your group in conversations about their past experiences and the people who influenced their growth and development. Icebreaker questions focusing on our past typically include: Childhood memories: birthdays, vacations, regrets Past experiences: scary moments, hospital visits, turning points, accomplishments Daily life when you were younger: extracurricular activities, friendships, summer traditions People & personalities: impact of birth order, mentors, grandparents Challenges & accomplishments: difficult choices, challenging times, goals Following is a selection of conversation starters that will help groups share the experiences that shaped them: A time you got in trouble at school A time you went to the hospital An important turning point in your life Describe your “group” in high school Extra-curricular activities you did How you spent your summers How you spent your time after school How your birth order affected you Something you hated as a child You’ll find 32+ icebreaker questions focusing on past experiences in these Trainers Warehouse resources: Shaped by Our Past Thumball $32.95 Shaped by Our Past UNZIP-it! Deck $29.95 Shaped by Our Past PowerPoint $7.95 Topic-Specific Icebreaker Questions DIVERSITY Address the factors and experiences that shape our understanding of differences in ethnicity, age, religion, and more. For instance, An instance when someone went out of their way to make you feel included? A time you went out of your way to make someone feel included? A time you shared an unpopular idea Describe a time you felt lonely in a big group of people What were your parents’ attitudes towards LGBT communities? Should companies/school close for all religious holidays? Why or why not? Name 2 ways in which men and women may be treated differently? Is it easier to be male or female? Why? What gives you hope that people are becoming more accepting of diversity? What’s your generation’s biggest challenge when it comes to acceptance? Explore more Diversity-themed conversation prompts with the: Trainers Warehouse Diversity Thumball. ($32.95) Diversity Questions UNZIP-IT! Deck $29.95 Diversity PowerPoint Deck with Conversation Prompts $7.95 D.E.I. Gain personal and organizational insight. Explore us vs. them thinking, privilege and power, and community initiatives. A dominant aspect of my identity that influences how I feel & act An aspect of my identity that makes me feel proud is… With whom do you feel more/less safe in sharing emotions & experiences? What new initiatives could strengthen feelings of belonging? How can we create a culture of inclusion & equity? Something I’ve learned from people whose identities differ from mine In your mind, what does oppression look like? In what ways do you feel privileged? Why is it important for us to take action in DEI initiatives? What prevents people from stepping up as an ally for diversity and inclusion? Consider the DEI Thumball by Trainers Warehouse for more DEI conversation starters and icebreaker questions ($32.95), or the DEI PowerPoint Deck with similar content. SAFETY TOOLBOX TALKS “Toolbox Talks” are informal safety meetings that address workplace hazards and safe work practices. They help promote an organizational culture that is healthy, safe, and supportive. Use Toolbox Talks Thumball to supplement safety training, not replace it. It’s a great way to kick off safety initiatives, raise awareness, and identify areas to improve workplace safety. What should you do if someone’s doing something dangerous? What can you do if you’re bullied or harassed? What accidents happen most frequently in our environment? How are we “covered” in case of an accident? As Individuals? As company? What workplace activities are best not done alone? The safety rule that is hardest to comply with is… Do I feel safer in the summer or winter? Why? What do I look for on product warning labels? How does mobile phone use affect workplace safety? A safety protocol at work that should be changed is . . . For more Toolbox Talks discussion prompts to help start conversations about workplace safety, try these Trainers Warehouse tools: Toolbox Talks Thumball ($32.95) UNZIP-it! with Toolbox Talks (Safety) Conversation Card Deck ($29.95) Toolbox Talks PPT Deck ($7.95) BE A LEADER In this unique Leadership Thumball, find a full range of conversation starters, including: Leadership traits that I have or aspire to have in myself and my team Ways to motivate, inspire, and recognize employee contributions Methods for dealing with disagreement, decision-making, and mistakes Reflections on challenges, frustrations, delegation, and impatience Approaches to promote growth and learning Techniques to get buy-in, promote diversity, and share feedback When prompting conversation, aim to include some reflective questions (past experiences) and others that are appreciative (questions that encourage participants to envision the future and focus on positive potential). A good range of leadership conversation prompts should cover vision, innovation, competence, integrity, continuous improvement, teamwork, accountability, diversity, and development. For instance: A time I used power in a positive way What makes me impatient? I get to know my staff by… What I like/dislike about coaching others In my role, I am most frustrated by… I foster learning by… I am least effective when… I last thanked a colleague or staff member when… I dislike having power because… I inspire creativity by… Find additional icebreaker questions and conversation prompts that explore leadership qualities and experiences integrated into these Trainers Warehouse tools: Be a Leader Thumball ($32.95) Be a Leader PPT Deck ($7.95) TEAM DYNAMICS Promote team spirit, boost flagging energy, and initiate meaningful conversations with team dynamics conversation prompts. Indeed, with the right conversation prompts, you can tactfully explore how your group is working as a team. Discuss… Benefits and drawbacks of teaming Ways to make others feel heard, show respect, and draw in multiple perspectives Systems to improve productivity and minimize duplication of efforts Approaches to identify goals, work to completion and celebrate success Management of disagreements, problems, and mistakes Methods to develop consensus, show support, and motivate each other. Effective teamwork is often based on: Accountability * Motivation * Trust * Respect * Commitment * Diversity of Capabilities * Adaptability * Creative Freedom * Collaboration * Conflict Resolution * Communication Rich conversation prompts might include these, i.e.: How should we manage disagreements? Give an example of a goal we are all working towards Do we have clearly defined team goals? Do we learn from our mistakes? Do we admit mistakes to each other? Give an example of a mistake we learned from. How can we support each other? Do we respect each other’s role in the team? When was the last time we had constructive conflict? How do we check that we are working toward the same goal? To explore the factors that enhance or undermine your team’s success, consider more prompts on Trainers Warehouse’s Team Dynamics toos: Team Dynamics Thumball ($32.95) UNZIP-IT! with Team Dynamics Conversation Deck ($29.95) UNZiP-it! PowerPoint Deck w/ Team Dynamics Prompts ($7.95) DEVELOPING RESILIENCE Resilience helps individuals adapt to difficult situations. To assist your groups in building resilience in their personal and professional lives, facilitate conversations that encourage optimism, positive thinking, compassion, and growth mindsets. The following 10 skills are most often associated with resilience. The questions that appear with them can help people begin to build that important skill. Patience – when facing situations that test your patience, how do you calm yourself? Optimism – what happiness might the future hold? Gratitude – for whom and what are you grateful? Acceptance – how might you productively respond to bad news? Kindness – what are your preferred ways to spread happiness? Purpose – what goals and accomplishments inspire you? Forgiveness – when, why, and how can you forgive others? Connection – do you regularly reach out to the people who create joy in your life? Composure – when you lose composure, how do you refocus your energy? Listening – what techniques do you use to show you’re listening? For more icebreaker questions to foster patience, acceptance, kindness & forgiveness, consider these: Building Resilience Thumball GET HAPPY AT WORK Use workplace happiness icebreaker prompts to enable colleagues to express their goals and articulate challenges. By focusing on positivity, workplace engagement, and meaningful relationships, conversations can elicit optimism and opportunities for a happier, more productive workplace. Discussion starters like these might get the ball rolling, e.g.: A new challenge I hope to take on at work? My top priorities for the day/week What risk would you take if you knew you couldn’t fail? What permission do you need/want to move forward? Something you’re thankful for at work The best thing about our organization is… I’d like coming to work more if… Our meetings would be more productive if… How do we encourage/discourage risk-taking? An area where I’d like more autonomy Access additional happiness-at-work icebreaker questions, which emphasize goals, achievements, hopes, and dreams, in these Trainers Warehouse exclusive tools: Get Happy at Work Thumball ($32.95) UNZIP-it! with Get Happy at Work Conversation Card Deck ($29.95) UNZiP-it! PowerPoint Deck w/ Get Happy at Work Prompts ($7.95) STRESS MANAGEMENT Here’s another important topic for the workplace: Stress Management! Ideal conversation starters relating to stress management should cover this range of topics: Causes of stress: tasks, chores, times of year, and situation that bring angst Controlling stress: ways to minimize stress and focus on priorities Sources of calm: hobbies, activities, quiet places that bring relaxation Wellness practices: Sleep, exercise and diet that nourish you Dealing with stress: what do you do (can you do) when you get stressed Electronics: impact of technology and email on stress levels For instance, you might ask: What forms of exercise are most enjoyable? Do you get as much sleep as you need? Is there a new hobby you’re hoping to start? What are your most dreaded household chores? When you’re busy, what’s first to get cut from your routine? If you took a “1-minute mental vacation,” where would you go? If you had one day left to live, what would you do? When stressed do you prefer company or solitude? What most relaxes you? How would you use two extra hours per day? To help your group discover the causes of stress and the ways to manage it, consider more conversation prompts and icebreaker questions on Trainers Warehouse tools like these: Stress Management Thumball ($32.95) UNZIP-it! with Stress Management Conversation Card Deck ($29.95) UNZiP-it! PowerPoint Deck w/ Stress Management Prompts ($7.95) CHANGE MANAGEMENT These prompts are excellent for any who are experiencing a life change. When facing difficult times, the challenge is to move beyond the past experience toward an unknown future. If your team is facing substantial change–as individuals or as a group–consider icebreaker questions that promote conversation about how to move forward, onward, and upward. Address topics such as these: People to seek out for assistance Healthy habits — mentally and physically Personal sources of strength and joy Methods to interrupt and reverse bad mojo For instance: What’s the silver lining of a challenging time? A person I remember fondly My “go-to” indulgence When feeling blue, I prefer company/solitude because… Where do you find spiritual strength? I’ve learned to accept that… Something I accomplished recently An activity that relaxes and calms me My top priorities for the day/week Something that makes me proud These Trainers Warehouse tools will have a range 30+ questions and prompts to discuss methods for managing change: Change Management Thumballs ($32.95) UNZiP-it! PowerPoint Deck w/ Change Management Prompts ($7.95) EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE Emotional Intelligence (a.k.a. EQ) requires five skills: Self-Awareness , Motivation , Self-Regulation , Empathy , and Social Skills . Conversation prompts and icebreaker questions that develop EQ delve into these 5 topics. For example: What contributes to distrust? (Empathy) How could someone regain composure after snapping? (Self-Regulation) What holds you back from being your best YOU? (Self-Awareness) How can I make colleagues feel valued? (Motivation) What would your best friend say is your weakness? (Self-Awareness) How can we make others feel appreciated? (Empathy) Describe three ways to communicate non-verbally (Social Skills) What could be a “blind spot” (a strength others might consider a weakness) (Self-Awareness) What do you do if you find yourself overreacting to something? (Self-Regulation) Find more conversation starters to build self-awareness, empathy, motivation, and social skills on the Trainers Warehouse Emotional Intelligence Thumball. BUILDING TRUST Trust allows us to take risks, open up, and look for mutually beneficial solutions when conflicts occur. It gives us peace of mind when we need to rely on one another, and comfort to share our vulnerabilities. Like a bridge, trust also brings people together and deepens relationships. In turn, with strong relationships, we enjoy emotional support, confidence, reduced stress, good health, and happiness. Building trust starts with communication – asking the right questions and taking the time to listen. Discuss topics such as: Causes of trust and distrust People you entrust with secrets Impact of promises, apologies, and lies Ways to make others feel safe Dealing with mistakes and resistance Being genuine Conversation starters that will help explore the topic of trust, and in the process, begin building trust include: What might be the impact of admitting mistakes? Are “white lies” okay? Why/why not? Who do you consider to be your “family”? What topics are hardest to discuss? How do you decide if someone is trustworthy? Do you tend to say “I don’t know” or make something up? Why? How can we build trust in one another? How do you make others feel safe? What is “active listening” and why is it important? Do you ever resist asking for help? When? Why? Build bridges and explore issues of interpersonal trust #Building Trust Thumball ** MORE CONVERSATION PROMPTS FOR THESE TOPICS TO COME! ** COACHING QUESTIONS Use the G.R.O.W. model to affect change (Goals – Reality – Options – Way Forward) #Coaching Questions PowerPoint Deck READ MORE Are Icebreakers Important? 7 Tips for Formulating Questions Using Photos and Images for Deeper Conversations

If you remember going to the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus when you were a kid, you might recall arriving early to see clowns walking around the arena, greeting guests, and carrying their funny “walk-around” props (instant sight gags — visual images that make you chuckle). The clowns were onto something with their welcoming “come-in” ritual, and so are trainers when they greet you upon arrival and treat you to an “icebreaker.” I know. Many are skeptical of training icebreakers, but for trainers and participants alike, the first few minutes matter a lot. No matter what you call them, strong openers are essential to building trust, making connections, and setting the tone for effective learning experiences. Meaningful and effective session starters require that you: Understand and Focus on your Goals Build Trust, Credibility, and Mutual Respect through Transparency Make Connections Between Content and Participants Choose the Right Activity Let’s look at each in more detail. 1. Understand your Goal. Focus on your Purpose Before you get too far in thinking about training icebreakers and starters, know what you hope to accomplish–not just for the opener, but for the entire learning event. Then, tie every exercise, presentation, and activity to these goals. For your opener, you might set your intention on building camaraderie, fostering new relationships, surfacing participants’ goals and concerns, or fun-for-the-sake-of-fun. Or, you might want to establish a foundation for the learning segment to come. Whatever it is, formulate your agenda around that goal. 2. Build Trust, Credibility, and Mutual Respect through Transparency Set participants’ minds at ease by assuring them that their time won’t be wasted. That you are a capable facilitator from whom they can learn something useful, beyond what they already know. To quickly accomplish this, be transparent about your goals for both the training icebreaker and the learning outcomes. Always explain why you’re doing what you’re doing. Express your respect for the knowledge and expertise your participants bring to the table and encourage them to share their knowledge as well. Using a Learners Bill of Rights or another list of ground rules, let participants know that they won’t be put on the spot, embarrassed, or stuck in an uncomfortable conversation. When trainers exhibit respect for their learners, they will be rewarded with reciprocal trust. 3. Make Connections Between Content and Participants Perhaps the most primary purpose of intros, training icebreakers, and starters is to create mental links. You should make links between prior knowledge and new material; between the learners; and between the learners and facilitators. For instance, by asking learners what they already know about a topic, you are simultaneously helping them make their own mental connections, introducing core concepts, and giving the group an opportunity to connect with one another. 4. Choose the Right Activity Time-Relevance Matrix Once you’re clear on your goals and have allayed the group’s fears, your challenge is selecting or formulating an experience that will serve these needs. You might like to think about your choices by plotting them within a matrix that takes into consideration the amount of time an activity will take and its relevance to your content. Strive for the upper quadrants of the matrix where activities are appropriately tied to course content. If an activity is not relevant to your goals, consider limiting the time you allocate to the exercise or eliminating it altogether. Picking Perfect Prompts When it comes down to it, most training icebreakers fall into a handful of categories: Personal introductions Question/Answer Discussions Collaborative Problem Solving Collaborative Creativity Of these 4 types of opening activities, Question/Answer formats are probably the most popular. You may want to use a ball populated with getting-to-know-you questions, like a Shaped By Our Past Thumball, or come up with a single question that gets to the heart of matters. Keep questions open-ended – stay away from yes/no questions or questions that require one-word answers Focus on experiences and interests – choose questions that draw from people’s experience, something they can answer easily Make the questions “safe” – be sensitive to prompts that might be awkward to answer Inspire dialogue and sharing – make sure there is no right or wrong answer Mix would and should questions – consider how the question’s framing will best promote positive dialogue Balance reflective and appreciative questions – include “appreciative” questions about goals and hopes. Making it fun After deciding on the questions or discussion prompts that might draw out an interesting exchange, trainers have many options for facilitating those conversations. For instance, rather than working their way around the room, they might ask groups to “pair and share” with a single partner, table talk, create triads, or roam the room. Trainers can also get creative with playful props including balls, answer boards, question decks, and image decks. Players can get creative with image decks by assembling one or more photos that tell a story, suggest a metaphor, or remind them of an experience or learning point. Powerful Openers No matter what icebreaker, discussion prompt, or activity you choose, be sure to explain why you’re playing with honesty and transparency. Show respect for your participants and their time, and give them an opportunity to make connections with the content and one another. Finally, you might also want to reconsider the word “icebreaker.” Because training icebreakers can be loaded with negative associations, do yourself a favor and call them “starters,” “openers,” “appetizers,” or “come-in.” That way, your participants can start with a clean slate and an open mind. READ MORE Icebreakers to start a soft-skills workshop The Perfect Prompt for any Session Training Circus – Lessons from a Clown-Turned-Trainer Icebreakers to start a Soft-Skills Session Learning from Mistakes – Creating Safe Spaces for Learning

A handful of online learning sessions with expert facilitators Amy Climer and Chad Littlefield added a few more tricks to my repertoire. The two modeled a handful of get ‘em talking techniques and conversation starters that I’ll be happy to replicate at my next session, live or online! Hopefully, they’ll do the trick for you too. First Words: The Sooner the Better Chad credited Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering with saying, “If you can get people to use their larynx in the first 5-7% of the gathering, they’re more likely to use it in the rest of the 95% of the event.” The challenge for facilitators, therefore, is to get people to speak as quickly as possible in any meeting or gathering where participation is essential. Here are a few tips to help make it happen: Get Vocal Tell the group you’re all going to try to “break Zoom.” Invite everyone to unmute themselves. Then, when you say, “go,” ask everyone to say hello at the same time, in whatever language you prefer. 3-2-1-GO. If you’re meeting in person, you can try the same thing. Say “hello” to the group and insist on a greeting back from everyone. If the group is too quiet, say “That was lame, let’s try it again!” Alternatively, make it a game, performance-style: “When I say ‘hey’ you say ‘ho.’ Hey … Ho… Hey … Ho.” Opening Poll Polling tools can make it super easy for every person to engage. Additionally, the facilitator and participants get a snapshot of the whole group. For further give and take later in the session, the facilitator can refer back to the survey/polling results or ask the participants to reflect on the results. Chats and Chat Storms Ask participants to find and open the Chat field. Start with an easy question in Chat. For example, you might ask, “What is one of your favorite topics of conversation.” NOTE: any time you ask for a “favorite,” be sure to say “one of your favorites,” as that makes questions much easier to answer. Regular Chat Either, have everyone respond and “send” their response when they’re ready. Chat Storm Instead of sending responses when each person is ready, try a “chat storm” instead: Set-up: Tell participants NOT to send their replies immediately. Rather, request that they write their answer to the questions, but don’t hit “send” until you give the go-ahead. Pause, then say, “3-2-1-GO!” When responses are in, ask everyone to review the Chat and identify another person’s response that they are naturally curious about. Ask one participant to unmute and ask that person a question about their response. Why storm?: The advantages of a chat storm include: 1) its fun factor; 2) the lack of distraction when thinking about your own reply; and 3) an opportunity for participants to interact with one another. Chat Networking If, at some point during the session, you invited participants to type in their title and organization. Later on, you might encourage them to take a moment to look up and down the chat for someone whose profile intrigues them. Welcome them to consider that person a secret buddy. Moreover, at the end of the session, suggest that participants share their LinkedIn profiles, in case they want to connect with those buddies down the road. Going Deeper: Diving into More Meaningful Conversation After getting folks to utter their first words and make basic connections, you might look for ways to deepen the conversation — online or face-to-face. You can accomplish this with a thoughtful question, image, or quotation. Because the success of your effort may lie in the prompt that you use, take time to consider it fully or draw from a deck of carefully curated questions such as the UNZIP-it! Decks or WeConnect Cards. Use Images Images, photographic or illustrated like Climer Cards, can also lead to wonderfully rich conversations. As Daniel Pink, NYT best-selling author, said, “If a picture is worth a thousand words, a metaphor is worth a thousand pictures.” Indeed, images and metaphors – comparisons between two things that aren’t alike but have some things in common – are incredibly powerful because they allow speakers to: Weave several different ideas together Engage creative thinking Bring more nuance to an idea Go deeper more quickly Poignant Prompts for Image-based Conversation Starters While a good selection of images will do most of the work, these prompts will help participants draw the most out of them: For Team Development: Pick a card that represents… (or is a symbol or a metaphor for…) … a change you want to make Your definition of… (conflict, teamwork, etc.) A wish you have for our team A hope you have for our company’s future Where we are in our project How you feel when you’re on your way to a team meeting Who you are in our team For Evaluations: Choose an image that reflects how you feel you’re doing in your job; a career aspiration; a change you want to make professionally For Icebreakers: Pick an image that represents… A quality you’re proud of Something you recently learned about yourself A quality or experience that will help you succeed in the session For Connections: Pick an image that represents… Your connection to the content… A question you want to ask someone else For Session Reviews… Find an image that relates to one idea you’d like to hold on to a month from now or year from now Facilitation Tips and Tricks A few more quick reminders, to enhance your gathering and promote the exchange of ideas: Be clear with instructions: Say, for instance, “In 1 minute, share your name, which image you selected and why (watch the time and use the whole time, not just a quick one-word answer)” Make starting easier: Suggest an easy way to determine who should speak first (i.e. person with the shortest hair) Add context: For any prompt or question, remember you can always add a context (i.e. If asking about goals, feel free to specify … at work; …at home; …during this session) Get creative: If you have a set of questions you love and a set of images, pair the two together. Give People an “Out” Before launching into a conversation starter exercise, with the hope of deep conversation, be sure to set expectations and remind them that they always have complete agency in terms of how they answer a question. Explain, “You have 100% choice in how you answer a question. When you see a question or prompt, you can reply in any way that feels safe: Share “lite” or frivolous answers Delve into deeper, self-reflective answers, or stories Take a pass Choose a different question Form Small Groups Many feel more comfortable sharing in small, more private, and intimate groups. Whether you’re gathering in person or online, it’s easy to structure activities to facilitate small-group sharing. Building Community With so much talk about the epidemic of loneliness and crises in mental health, the more we can do to share more honestly and more deeply with our fellow humans, the better. Let’s take time to use questions to build relationships, understanding, and community. Thanks to Amy Climer and Chad Littlefield for their inspiration! Read More on Conversation Starters How Deep Will You Go? 7 Tips for Formulating Great Questions Choosing What to Share  

Big Talk. I loved the expression as soon as I heard it. Enough with “small talk,” let’s shoot for more meaningful conversations. I had been developing probing conversation starters for over 20 years, when I came upon Kalina Silverman’s TED Talk. I was also excited to learn she’s a fellow Kellogg B-School Alum and developed her own “Big Talk” Conversation Deck. Safer with Strangers? In her TED Talk, Kalina Silverman, co-founder of Make Big Talk, shares her experience of asking strangers, “What do you want to do before you die?” Shortly after we launched our Diversity Thumball, a tool to promote conversation on topics of diversity and inclusion, we ran a similar experiment. We asked strangers to answer a random question from our Diversity Thumball. We were amazed at people’s willingness to talk and at the stories they shared. As we reflect on the experience, sadly, we realize we no longer have any association with the folks we interviewed. Around the same time, we asked trainers and facilitators how they felt about using Thumballs to promote discussion and conversation around topics of diversity, leadership, managing change or building trust. While many embraced the idea and could quickly imagine its usefulness, several others said, “Oh, I love that, but I don’t know. Maybe I could use it at the end of the day, but I don’t think I’d start off with it.” Or, “I can see using that with my more seasoned groups, but not a group that is just forming, and certainly not with my incoming Freshmen.” Seasoned facilitators explained that when people are just forming new relationships, they are fearful of being judged and are quite sensitive about sharing personal information. This issue is one of safety and feeling safe. With total strangers, who you will ever see again, we often feel safe in our anonymity, and willingly share intimate details. At a trade conference, I remember a young woman telling me she was pregnant. She said I was the first person she’s told. She hadn’t even told friends or family yet and was excited to share, especially knowing her secret would not be spread. Similar to college Freshmen, employees carefully consider what’s appropriate to express to supervisors or colleagues. In fact, when vetting conversation prompts, my staff has often told me to exclude prompts that might put participants in an awkward position. Build Trust with “Middling Talk” While Big Talk might be the goal, facilitators should consider when deep discussions might be uncomfortable. Recognize that making Big Talk feel safe might require some “Middling Talk,” discussion topics that build understanding, without getting too personal. That doesn’t mean you need to talk about the weather, but you might ask questions such as, “how did your birth order shape your childhood?” or “What’s something you hated as a child?” Both of these prompts are more interesting and insightful than small talk, but won’t cause stress. Many Middling Talk prompts can be found on the Shaped by Our Past, What Makes You You?, Getting to Know You, and Favorites Thumballs. More Question Prompt Tips Be sensitive to questions about great accomplishments (players won’t want to brag) Avoid asking about challenges (players might resist admitting to weakness). Invite players to “pass” if a question is hard; or say you’ll get back to them. Ask safe prompts such as “Favorites” or “Where are you on a continuum between x and y?” Make “Big Talk” when the Time is Right! Answering a single deep question may be a launching point for conversation and relationship building. But, that one question does not promise the start to a more meaningful relationship, especially if asked at the wrong time. Be sensitive to situations, surroundings, and underlying social and developmental needs. For new or tentative relationships, making Big Talk feel safe requires a slowly build up. For established relationships, welcome ground rules to ensure safety and respect. Promising to listen well, offering affirmation, agreeing to confidentiality, and avoiding judgement can make Big Talk safe and rewarding. READ MORE Discussing Diversity & Inclusion How Deep will you Go? Building a Pillar of Trust Choosing What to Share

While our library of Communication and Listening Exercises is quite comprehensive, Active Listening is a critical subcategory worthy of deeper exploration. Active listening isn’t just nodding to the speaker. Active listening happens when you’re completely focused on the speaker, taking in everything they’re saying, understanding the nuance of their meaning, and giving them feedback. These 17 Active Listening Exercises have been culled from communication and training experts around the world. I’ve grouped the 20+ exercises into 5 categories: I. Make the Speaker Feel Heard. II. Listen to Remember and Listen for Underlying Meanings III. Clarify Understanding IV. Practice Makes Perfect V. Uncovering Assumptions I. Make the Speaker Feel Heard through Active Listening I read this story on the importance of active listening on the Tesla Ideas blog. William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli, both eminent British statesmen were considered as two the smartest persons in England, in the late nineteenth century. A young journalist said that she would dine with both so she could decide which one was smarter. She has compared the two men this way: “When I dined with Mr. Gladstone, I felt as though he was the smartest man in England. But when I dined with Mr. Disraeli, I felt as though I was the smartest woman in England.” Gladstone may have been an excellent speaker but Disraeli was the better listener. That evening Disraeli made the woman the center of his universe. The following 7 exercises will help tease out ways your group can make speakers feel as if they are the center of the universe. 1. T-chart: Have the group write down characteristics of good and bad listening skills. Record these on a chart for all to see and fill in any omissions, as needed: Poor listening skills might include: looking at your watch, interrupting, avoiding eye contact, looking bored or impatient, tapping your foot or fidgeting, finish their sentences. Good listening skills might be communicated with a nod, smile, eye contact, show concern, or encouragement. Active listeners will: Focus Question “Listen” to the speaker’s body language Paraphrase, clarify and summarize Express Empathy Remind the group that just because they making the motions, doesn’t mean they’re retaining the information. 2. Practice through introductions — a good icebreaker! Pair up. Have Person 1 introduce themselves to Person 2 for 2-minutes. Have the team reverse roles for the second two minutes. Then have each pair introduce one another to the rest of the group. ~Asnawi Yusof DEBRIEF: discuss what made the exercise hard or easy. Explore the experience from each person’s perspective as both the introducER and introducEE. 3. Yes, BUT… / Yes, AND … Divide your group into pairs. For two minutes each, have one start a conversation and then every response back and forth must start with ‘Yes, but…’. Then repeat – this time every response must start with ‘Yes, and…’. Have teams compare the two experiences. Ask: which resulted in a more productive conversation, building off of each other’s ideas. Which approach was more about ‘listening to respond’ (versus ‘listening to understand’)? ~ Nicole Coyle 4. ASK or SHARE Ask one person to share a short story of their past — a major turning point in their life; a time they went to the hospital; a hard choice you had to make; a stressful experience you lived through <Shaped by Our Past question prompts for more question prompts>. Divide your listeners into “askers” and “tellers.” Instruct “Askers” to ONLY ask questions. Invite “Tellers” to share their own similar experiences. Switch roles and repeat. DEBRIEF: Ask story tellers when they felt best heard–when listeners were asking questions or sharing their own experiences? ~ Shelley Etzenhouser 5. Is Silence always Golden? Group your participants into pairs. Have them tell a story about their lives–perhaps a challenge they overcame; describe a special event they attended; tell us about a non-family member who had an impact on their life; or explain how your birth order affected your childhood Shaped by Our Past for more prompts>. Instruct the listener to SAY NOTHING AT ALL, just listens. DEBRIEF: What was that like for each person? Did the story-teller feel heard even though there were no responses? Why? Have pairs talk/listen and encourage them to reflect back what they are observing about the talker’s non-verbal communication. (Your tone changed, what was happening for you there? Etc.) Reflection exercises. Have listeners practice summarizing and paraphrasing what the talker has said, without adding any content of their own. ~ Jenna Hills Additional debrief questions might include: How did the speaker feel when the person just listened and did not exchange information? How did the nonverbal signals encouraged the speaker? How uncomfortable was the silence? How did it feel to just listen without having the pressure to contribute? How did the speaker feel having complete freedom to say whatever he/she felt? 6. WebCam OFF – WebCam ON Explore the differences between speaking when you can or cannot see each other in this is a paired exercise. Round 1 – Webcam OFF – audio only: For the next 5 minutes, Participiant#1 explains to Participiant#2 “What frustrates them when other people don’t listen to them?” Participant#2 must be silent for the 1st 3 minutes After that, they can only ask – “Tell me more” or “What Else” Swap roles after 5 minutes Round 2 – Webcam ON – audio and video For the next 5 minutes, Participiant#1 explain to Participiant#2 “What they struggle with when it comes to their listening?” Participant#2 must be silent for the 1st 3 minutes After that, they can only ask – “Tell me more” or “What Else” Swap roles after 5 minutes. Round 3 – Webcam Off – Audio Only: Take another 5 minutes to debrief: Ask participant#1 to debrief with Participant #2 about how they were listening differently with the webcam on and off. Swap Roles after 5 minutes For the next 5 minutes, Participant#2 debriefs with Participant #1 about how they were listening differently with the webcam on and off. DEBRIEF: Ask, What were the pros and cons of WebCams On vs. Off. When did you best understand others? When did speakers feel most heard? Does the number of participants affect the experience? ~ Oscar Trimboli 7. Not Listening or A-B-C Listening Divide your group into pairs. For Round 1, give partner 1 the “NL Instruction sheet” (described below), then ask partner 2 to tell their mate what the think is most important about communicating and an example of a time when they felt they were not communicating well with someone else. Stop the group after a minute or two. For Round 2, give partner 2 the “ABC Instruction sheet,” and ask partner 1 sharing their communication story. After a minute, ask everyone to share how they felt and why. Stop the group after a minute or two. The NL Instruction Sheet says: “Do not allow your partner to read this sheet!” Your job is to NOT LISTEN while your partner is talking. You may do this in any way you like, as long as you stay in your seat. You may occasionally say something, but it need not relate to whatever your partner has been saying. Although your partner may realize you are not being attentive, do not tell him or her that you are deliberately not listening. The ABC Sheet Instruction sheet says: Do not allow your partner to read this sheet! As your partner is talking, keep track of the number of words he or she uses that begin with “a,” “b,” and “c.” Do not count the words “a,” “an,” or “and.” Do not tell your partner what you are doing. You can take part in the conversation, but be sure to keep an accurate score while your partner is talking. DEBRIEF: After each group has experienced non-listening behaviors, what happened and how it relates to listening and getting your message across. Posted online by Todd Wilmore II. Actively Listen to Remember vs. Listen for Underlying Meanings Active listening isn’t only about giving the speaker auditory or visual feedback cues. It also requires listeners to focus and remember what they hear. These following Active Learning Exercises highlight the challenges in listening to remember, as well as our brain’s tendency to fill in where information is missing. 8. Tell a STORY We play a game in my organization where the facilitator reads a story and then immediately after quizzes the participants (unbeknownst to them). We advise them that they are not allowed to take takes or record the story which is no longer than 2 minutes. Question number 1 is always “what was the character’s name?”. Most all people get this wrong. they really have to actively listen. ~ Twanda Rhodes DEBRIEF: Discuss what it means to “actively listen.” If they didn’t recall the name of the character, what did they remember? How important are details in making someone feel heard? How important is note-taking? Ask, might you have focused more if you knew you’d be quizzed on this afterwards? 9. Hold your Questions In this exercise by Liberating Structures, One group talks and has a collaborative discussion (e.g. PO and stakeholder) while the second group (e.g. dev team) listens with no video access to see the group talking and with their microphone on mute so they have to hold all questions until the end. It is VERY effective. Here’s the link for more info: https://www.liberatingstructures.com/18-users-experience-fishbowl/ ~ Nicole Coyle 10. Fill in the Meaning – see how people’s minds fill in the holes when information is missing Create a list of around 20 related words based on a specific topic. For instance; garden, grass, tree, bush, hedge etc. Leave one obvious word from the list i.e. flower and also repeat one of the words in the list three or four times. Take this sheet out at the relevant time during your training session and tell the participants that you are going to read the list out to them and they are not allowed to write anything down. They should just listen to you. Next, give them one minute to write down as many of the words they can remember as possible. In review, you should notice that about 60% remember the first word, 75% remember the last word, 80% will remember the word you repeated three times and some will even write down the obvious word that you didn’t say. Discuss the reasons behind these outcomes and what that means when we communicate. ~ TrainingBubble.com 11. TAKE NOTE? Start a story–1-2 sentences. Assign next person to summarize what was just said and add 1-2 more sentences to the story. Continue until everyone has done it, and then ask first person to repeat whole story back. DEBRIEF: Did anyone take notes? How was that perceived at the time the notes were taken? How was it perceived after the fact? Did anyone ask clarifying questions? What was the impact? ~ Shelley Etzenhouser III. Clarify understanding when Active Listening This next grouping of Active Listening Exercises requires listeners to check their understanding by asking questions. 12. Draw what you hear Another simpler exercise that I’ll use involves asking a volunteer to perform a task for me, but with minimal instructions. (ie. “draw my house.”) Repeatedly, they’ll make submissions and I’ll mockingly berate them for poor job performance. Eventually, I’ll ask them to sit down. I’ll then ask for another volunteer to perform the task, but this time I provide them with great detail. Of course, they can complete the task with much more success. DEBRIEF: what’s the impact of being able to ask questions and clarify understanding?  13. Colourblind – Ask clarifying questions and strategize! This game requires players to figure out which funky-shaped pieces might be missing from their complete set. Success requires the group to ask each other clarifying questions about the pieces they each hold. They must listen to and understand each other’s descriptions of the pieces as well as strategic suggestions for how they can solve the puzzle. ~ Shirley Gaston IV. Practice Makes Perfect This grouping of exercises allows participants to practice their listening skills and get feedback from colleagues. 14. Role Play Have a colleague help you demo skills. Then have real practice with role plays. Put the class in triads and put each triad in its own breakout rooms aka virtual meeting. Have 2 role players and an observer. You and a colleague pop in and out of the breakout rooms. Wrap up with a class debrief. The catch is using a virtual tool that supports breakout rooms. ~Ronald Blumenthal 15. Difficult Customer Role Play Have participants pair up with a partner for a role play. One person can be the difficult customer and the other the customer service rep, then they can switch roles. The best way to diffuse a tense situation is to use active listening – let the customer know you hear what they are saying. But it’s important not to make any promises at that stage of the exchange because that costs money. But acknowledge the customer’s frustration and let them vent. Then move on to problem-solving – get the customer to help in solving the problem and then work on solving it together. ~ Tom Lord 15. Telling vs. Showing This quick exercise can be used as a “closer” or as a listening exercise, to reinforce the message that “actions speak louder than words.” I say: “Please follow my words. Raise your right hand over your head. Keep following my words. Make a fist. Please make sure to follow my words. Round your fist three times and then put your fist on your forehead! (just before this moment, you put your own fist on your jaw!) You would find most participants would follow your action and put their fists on their jaws! Someone would find their mistakes and put their fists on their forehead, Then you can say: What happened? I’ve asked you to follow my words for three times, but you follow my actions! Why? ~ Mark Guo Great example of telling your group to do one thing and showing them another. Interesting to see how they hear your instructions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNA1278Y7ZM ~ Denzal Sunny V. Uncovering Assumptions Listeners tend to make assumptions when they think they know an intended meaning or have seen and heard similar situations. Our primitive brains are actually wired to look for shortcuts. However, this may not be so helpful when we’re trying to be good communicators. Our tendency might be to stop listening if we think we know what someone is going to say. Alternatively, we may assume that asking questions is somehow inappropriate, or will make us look foolish. The following Active Listening Exercises help highlight the assumptions we make and shortcuts we take that may compromise our clear communication efforts. These require a second person in the room. For virtual learning experiences, you can either ask participants to invite a family member into the room with them or model how they’d expect the exercise would look if they were paired with another person. 16. Making a fist and challenging assumptions Take 2 volunteers from the class. Tell one to make a fist and the other to open it. 99% of the crowd fails in this as one person makes the fist and the other struggles. Why??? Because the person who made the fist resists. Then I tell my class that I had only asked one to make a fist and the other to open it. Never asked to resist. This way I teach them the pros and cons of inactive listening and assumption. Posted by Sohini Mazumder 17. “Arm Wrestle” For this one, you must never say the words “arm wrestle.” Here’s what you do: Have everyone find a partner. Ask partners to “assume this position.” Demonstrate with a volunteer, and hand link position with both of your elbows on the table. Explain, “This is a very easy exercise. There are two things you must know. 1- you get a point if the back of your partner’s hand touches the table 2-you want to get as many points for yourself as possible. You don’t care about anyone else. Explain, “Each ‘point’ is worth one M&M. You will have only 10 seconds to get as many M&Ms as you can. GO.” Some teams who assume it’s an arm wrestle will only get 1-2 M&Ms, others will get to 100 if they give in and tap one person’s hand against the table repeatedly. To do this, however, they must not assume a competition and they must communicate about their shared interests. See here for more info on the debrief. Wrap it Up As with any any learning or training experience, getting closure and committing to next steps is an important part of the process. Using this set of verbs, ask each participant to commit to one or two ways they will listen actively during their next conversation with a colleague, spouse, family member or friend. Have them write the word on their favorite squeeze toy or a Stop-Start-Continue-Change Sticky Note. Focus Accept – Don’t judge Affirm Remember Ask Reflect Clarify Summarize Note Empathize Share Additional Questions to Debrief Active Listening Exercises How did you know that your partner was listening to you? What did it feel like to really be listened to without being interrupted? What made this activity challenging for you? How can active listening help you resolve conflicts? Additional resources for Communication and Listening Exercises Communication and Listening Exercises Are you Even Listening to Me The Perfect Debrief

Managers work so hard to build effective teams and develop strong working relationships. Communication and Listening Exercises is the #1 post on this blog for good reason. Learning to communicate and listen, however, is only half the battle. Bringing people together also requires sharing vulnerability. When I first watched Brené Brown’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability. I was familiar with Robert Epstein’s quote, “Vulnerability is the key to emotional bonding, without which relationships tend to feel superficial and meaningless.” But, Brown digs deeper into the nuance of vulnerability, linking it to feelings of shame and unworthiness. Seeing vulnerability as weakness or courage In her talk, Brown asks her audience to think of a time they felt vulnerable. I immediately thought of the time I was asked to share “a marketing effort that flopped” at a conference I’d attended for many years. I weighed the risks (looking and feeling stupid within my professional community) against the benefits (helping others learn from my failed effort), and ultimately decided to do it. To follow up, Brown asks if that vulnerability felt like a weakness. While I might not have used that word, I do recall feeling tentative and exposed, wondering what the audience would think of me. Brown then asks her audience to think of others who faced a similar challenge. If the tables were turned, would we think of folks in a similar situation as weak, or perhaps just the opposite, courageous? Most people perceive others who openly share a vulnerability as quite brave, as did I. Looking back on the experience, I recall more than a handful of people approaching me after the presentation, offering a hug (which I didn’t need) and accolades for my courage to share (always appreciated), letting me know how meaningful it was to them, or sharing their own flops. Vulnerability and relationship building Another “vulnerability memory” that sticks with me dates to my college days. I’d been so focused on projecting a strong outer image that two of my closest friends, Lisa and MaryJane, didn’t realize how much I valued their friendship and started to pull away. I finally broke down in tears one day, sharing my sadness and loneliness. Revealing my vulnerability, I quickly appreciated that relying on friends is a two-way street. They too wanted to feel needed. I was reminded of this again a few years ago, when I was recovering from a mastectomy. Accepting care is as much a gift to the giver as to the receiver. Acknowledging need and asking for help can be especially challenging at work. If you’re not the business owner or boss, you might worry that showing vulnerability could be detrimental to your job. When coming up with discussion prompts for one of our workplace Thumballs, we had a lengthy conversation about some of the prompts that concerned a few of the folks on our team. They worried that employees might feel uncomfortable answering: The thing you most procrastinate Something you wish you were better at A task you’d love help with As a manager, I was thinking how valuable that information would be. It would allow me to adjust roles or provide necessary training. But I understand the tension and my colleagues’ sensitivity to employees not wanting to reveal themselves in that way. Perhaps in some workplaces, admitting vulnerability is unwise. This is unfortunate because these organizations likely forfeit the growth and relationships that such honest conversations yield. Ultimately, we changed those prompts to be more positive, so that team members could slowly open the door to honest sharing, without feeling compromised: What you wish someone else would do for you Something you like to do on your own time What you wish you could change about your role You go first! Even when we know that vulnerability is important to building relationships, nobody wants to take the first step. The Getting to Yes negotiation framework suggests the best way to get someone else to open up is to go first. Negotiation experts suggest that we model the behavior we seek from others and they’ll follow our lead. Moreover, we should go a step further and be completely transparent about it. I’ve done this plenty of times with people I know well, and others I don’t. Kids these days seem to find it easy to preface an uncomfortable situation with a simple disclaimer saying, “This is awkward!” I’d go a step further and explain my unease, as well as the ways sharing vulnerability fosters trusting relationships. Tools for Sharing Vulnerability If you’re not one of those people who can just start blurting stuff out, try one of the dozens of conversation starter tools, readily available online at Trainers Warehouse. Thumballs are fun because they make a game of starting conversations. Each ball has 32 conversation prompts. Whoever catches the ball responds to the prompt under their thumb. With the UNZIP-it! pockets, just pick a card. The beauty of the balls and card decks is the ability to choose prompts that are perfectly suited to the level of existing relationships. Plus, as you can tell from the exchange described above, all prompts are carefully curated and vetted, so they’re thoughtful, appropriate, and relevant. Building Relationships In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye, a father of 5 daughters, struggles with his girls’ wanting to marry for love, despite his family’s tradition of arranged marriages. Reflecting on his own 25 years of marriage, he shyly asks his wife, “Do you love me?” Initially, she replies, unemotionally: Golde: Do I love you?For twenty-five years, I’ve washed your clothes,Cooked your meals, cleaned your house,Given you children, milked the cow.After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now? Tevye tries again. This time, he goes first, sharing his inner thoughts and a bit of his own insecurity, Tevye: The first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared.Golde: I was shy.Tevye: I was nervous.Golde: So was I. Tevye: But my father and my mother said we’d learn to love each other.So, now I’m asking, Golde… Do you love me? Golde considers his words and her experience: Golde: Do I love him?For twenty-five years, I’ve lived with him,Fought with him, starved with him.For twenty-five years, my bed is his.If that’s not love, what is? Tevye: Then you love me?Golde: I suppose I do.Tevye: And I suppose I love you, too. The scene ends in this moment of intimacy, leaving the audience with an understanding and confidence in their relationship. They are the perfect embodiment of Alain de Botton’s assertion, “Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn’t be its precondition.” ~Alain de Botton Deeper relationships, at work and at home, are “achievements” because they take work. They require active effort to communicate, listen, courageously expose vulnerabilities, and build trust. The process may be slow and require many iterations, but the benefits of sharing vulnerability most certainly outweigh the effort. Read more… Making new friends: Building relationships through Communication Building Trust Asking Questions: What we didn’t learn in kindergarten

I had thought that old adage, “everything we need to learn, we learned in kindergarten” was true. Remember “show and tell,” when children are invited to share a favorite object and talk about why it is meaningful to them? Now I’m not so sure. To improve communication and spark dialogue, we need to take a journalistic approach and ask more thoughtful, probing questions. Sharing When my now teenage boys were in pre-school, they were pretty good at sharing. Much better, in fact, than they are now! When it was my son Ted’s turn to share, he brought in a shark-tooth necklace that he’d gotten at the Miami Seaquarium. He was so proud of it! At the end of the day, I asked how it went. He told me that all the kids wanted to see and touch the shark tooth. “Did anyone ask any questions about it?” I asked. Nope. Asking questions Certainly, one aspect of Show and Tell is developing a comfort with presenting in front of peers. The other half of Show & Tell, however, is learning to listen and ask questions. This part was difficult back in pre-school . . . and still is! Apparently we DIDN’T learn everything we needed to know in kindergarten. Gossiping vs. Asking Questions I’ve often wondered if people spend so much time gossiping because it’s easier than asking each other questions. In her Psychology Today article about “Why we Love to Gossip,” Peggy Drexler writes, “Anthropologists believe that throughout human history, gossip has been a way for us to bond with others.” If we want to connect with other people, it may be easier to share information we know than ask about something we don’t know. We shouldn’t be surprised that pick-up lines such as, “Do you come here often?” have become a joke. We laugh at how cheesy or lame they are. The problem is that any good conversation starter begins with an open-ended question, and we’ve never honed our skill of asking good questions! Maybe the only ones who really master this trade are journalists and media professionals. And, one of the first principles they learn is that they must prepare. Prompting Discussion in Meetings To improve the level of discourse and sharing in meetings, managers, team-leaders, trainers and facilitators, must approach the effort with journalistic care, and prepare specific questions that will yield open-ended discussion or promote brainstormed solutions. Your team may have their own challenges to discuss, but if you’re looking for questions about Team Dynamics, Stress Management, Diversity, Ethics, Happiness, or Leadership, Silver Series Thumballs can get you started. Each themed conversation-starter ball is imprinted with 32 discussion prompts that ask meaningful, open-ended questions. Read more… Communication and Listening Exercises Learning How to Talk to Each Other Again Finding the Right Questions to Ask

Not sure which Thumball is perfect for your needs? Take a moment to complete this quick quiz and get a handful of ideas about which discussion prompts will be best for your team and what your Thumball Style is!  What’s a Thumball? It’s a soft ball imprinted with 32 discussion starters. Create-Your-Own or pick one that has content perfect for your needs: Cut through the silence with an Icebreaker Thumball or What If Thumball Discover shared interests and build new relationships with Common Ground Thumball or Which are You Thumball Get to know people better with the or Getting to Know You Thumball Dive into deeper conversations with a Team Dynamics or Diversity Thumball. Read more about… Finding the Right Questions to Ask

If your group would feel more relaxed and benefit from knowing a bit more about one another, try this Quick Response Board activity. Have each person write on the board a most unusual fact about themselves (oddest job, a phobia, worst nightmare, proudest accomplishment, etc.) Then ask everybody to pass boards around from person to person (without looking) until you say, “STOP!” At this point, have each person, in turn, hold up a board and guess the original author, with the help of others in the group, if needed. Have them write the name on the board. When all participants have been discovered, have the group quickly return the boards to their original owners. Whiteboards have so many uses! Quick Response Whiteboards can also be used: in learning environments to check for understanding, as every participant has an opportunity to answer your question. as a study or practice device, allowing you to write-on and wipe-off answers Find Whiteboards in multiple colors and sizes! As Quick Response Whiteboards have grown in popularity, the number of varieties have also expanded, making it easy to get just what you need. Size STANDARD: 2-sided Quick Response Whiteboards are 6″ x 7-3/4″. EXTRA EXTRA: If you need even more space, you slip a piece of paper into DocU-Sleeves (8.5 x 11, 11 x 17, etc), and write on the clean-wipe surface. This solution is also great if you want a custom grid or design on paper, instead of a blank sheet. COLOR We call them “whiteboards” but they really don’t have to be white! Briteboards are bright, neon colors with the same write-on, wipe-off surface. These can be used for teams, or just to energize the environment. “Erasability” If you don’t buy your boards from Trainers Warehouse (which have been thoroughly tested!), be sure to test them for erasability, as not all boards are created equal! If you forget to erase whiteboards and leave the ink on for a long time, you might need to use one of these tricks to clean them up: Use a whiteboard spray cleaner or Windex. If you have a permanent marker stain on a whiteboard, you can often write over it with a dry erase marker, then erase it. I’ve also found a bunch of recommendations online including Comet, coffee grinds, Ben-Gay, Toothpaste, WD-40, Magic Eraser, etc. We’re in the process of trying each of these methods! Find Quick Response Whiteboards at Trainers Warehouse. Click here for more on Getting to Know You.

As a designer of conversation starter tools, which I’m proud to say have been wonderfully received, I have some strong feelings about what makes a good icebreaker question and what simply fails to inspire sharing. If you’re hoping to weed through the millions of discussion-starter questions out there to find the ones best suited for your group or want to create your own, these seven tips should help. 1) Keep questions open-ended Try to stay away from yes/no questions. If you’re asking a question that suggests a one-word answer, be sure to follow up with a “Why?” to draw out an explanation for the answer. 2) Focus on experiences, interests, and wishes The goal is to draw out interesting responses that are easy to answer. While different questions may be easier or harder for different people, questions that draw from people’s experiences tend to be easier to answer than those that require on-the-spot creative thinking. For instance, consider the question, “If you could invent one thing, what would it be?” People spend years trying to think up inventions; you can’t expect someone to come up with an adequate answer in a moment’s time. 3) Understand your goal Determine the type of dialogue and relationships you hope to nurture through your discussion questions. If you have a short period of time, and simply want to break the ice and get people accustomed to sharing, you’ll want to select more superficial questions that don’t require too much thought, discussion, or explanation. If you want people to get to know one another, network, or find common interests, you’ll need questions that scratch under the surface, but don’t feel too intrusive. If your group knows each other well but wants to explore a topic more deeply (stress, team dynamics, ethics, values, etc.), you can select more probing questions. 4) Make the questions “safe” No matter what level of intimacy you’re seeking among the participants, you want to be sure that people will not feel like they’re being put on the spot or being judged. In part, this can be addressed by setting up ground rules (i.e. listen actively; respect differences, etc.), however, you can also adjust the way you phrase a question. For instance, if you’re exploring your team’s dynamics, you wouldn’t want to ask, “Who’s not pulling their weight?” But, you could ask, “What if someone isn’t pulling their weight?” 5) Inspire dialogue and sharing Thought-provoking questions, which might take a little more time to answer, can also stimulate an interesting discussion. If your desire is to open up the conversation, make sure that there is no right or wrong answer to the question. 6) Mix would and should questions Questions can feel different if they are framed as a personal inquiry (what would I do if…) versus as a general inquiry (what should we do… or what should one do…?). When formulating questions, consider whether one format or the other would be easier or more comfortable to answer, and which would better promote a positive and productive discussion. For instance, “What would you do if you witnessed bullying?” “What should you do if you witness bullying?” and “What should we do to respond to bullying,” are all likely to result in different conversations. 7) Balance reflective and appreciative questions Some questions require that people think back on prior experiences. These can be a beneficial way to understand someone’s past, but that perspective ought to be balanced by asking appreciative questions, which focus on goals and on envisioning the future. If, for instance, you want to foster conversation about leadership techniques, you’d want to include prompts that evoke a current experience, such as “I make employees feel valued by…” as well as those that promote forward thinking, like “I’d be a better leader if I….” Facilitating with ease Having great questions is most important when it comes to facilitating dynamic conversations. But having a good process is also key. Keep these quick tips in mind: Transparency – before you begin a Q&A activity, be clear about your goals and intentions for the conversation. This will help participants understand how in-depth they should make their answer and what they, too, should hope to get out of the experience. Simplicity – Whenever you’re facilitating conversations, on any topic, be sure to ask questions that are short, concise, and easy to digest. Long-winded questions are harder to decipher and answer. Repetition – repeating the question once or twice can give participants additional time to process the question and think of an answer. Ground Rules –If you’re concerned that conversations might be emotionally charged, set a few ground rules to help guide your group. To increase buy-in on the rules, you might also ask participants to help generate the rules or vote to accept the rules you suggest. These might include: Critique ideas, not people Speak only for yourself; avoid generalizations Speak with respect Share the airtime No personal attacks Listen – make sure everyone feels heard and validated Only one person speaks at a time Use “I” statements Agree to disagree; disagree without being disagreeable Be positive and non-judgemental; open to new ideas Honor confidentiality Ask questions to insure you understand others’ perspectives Take your time – Understand that some individuals, and some questions, might require more thinking time. For a rich exchange, don’t rush. Give participants ample time to offer a thoughtful response and respond to one another. Armed with tips on formulating questions and facilitating discussions, you can look forward to stress-free conversations and getting to know people a little better.  

Some people have the gift of the gab . . . and some of us just don’t. Sometimes I wish I did. When it comes to conversation, I suppose I’d say that I’m comfortable with silence and that I prefer quality to quantity. But I do relish rich, meaningful, and insightful conversations. The question is always how to get there. In the past several years, I’ve created over a dozen conversation starter Thumballs that truly have great discussion prompts. I really wish that it didn’t take me multiple days and multiple rounds of feedback to come up with great conversation starter questions and that I could remember all of them off the top of my head–but they do, and I don’t. I suppose this is what inspired me to put together a handy infographic of some of my favorite discussion prompts for a variety of situations. With these discussion questions in hand, we can take a much-needed break from politics and get on with some new topics! Enjoy! Choosing the right questions Below are a few close-ups of the infographic… Get all the info you need about Thumballs Learn more about Thumballs here See at-a-glance, which Thumball’s for you Shop for Thumballs Watch videos to see how they work or see them in action.

Conflict is a part of life. It’s part of sibling, family, and spousal relationships. It rears its ugly head at work when colleagues have different ideas about how to achieve a goal, when they discuss who should do what work and when personalities clash. Conflict is part of friendships and, as we’ve learned so well this year, it’s part of our democratic process. Given how common conflict is, it’s surprising that we’re not better at dealing with it. Rather than addressing our differences, many of us who are conflict-adverse choose to look the other way, brush problems under the rug, or assume we have no power to change the dynamics that cause our consternation. Alternatively, those who are more comfortable with conflict may be seen as argumentative. These shouldn’t be the only two options. Rather, we should get better at resolving our differences, without avoiding them or getting into disputes. What we need is a method for managing conflict. Those who are very good at it use a model I call The Pillar of Trust. The Pillar offers a structure that can support even the toughest challenges and allow individuals or disputing parties to reach their potential and achieve optimal results. The Pillar of Trust- from the bottom up COMMUNICATION Good communication forms the foundation of the Pillar. It is only through conversation, both talking and listening, that we can begin to understand one another. RELATIONSHIP As we learn more about each other and our mutual understanding grows, so too do our relationships. The development of these personal or working relationships then become part of the Pillar, making it stronger and able to bear the weight of even more difficult challenges. In turn, these increasingly stronger relationships beget deeper levels of communication. In this way, communication and relationships continue to spiral around each other, together gaining strength. While strong relationships are a gift in themselves, they also yield a host of ancillary benefits, including: Emotional support Confidence Reduced stress Good health Happiness Trust TRUST Confidence, health, and reduced stress are most certainly pleasant consequences of positive relationships, but the development of mutual trust is perhaps the most powerful byproduct. Trust allows us to take risks, open up, and look for mutually beneficial solutions when conflicts occur. Trust gives us peace of mind when we need to rely on one another, and comfort to share our vulnerabilities. From my college days, I remember the moment of realization when I understood the importance of sharing your own neediness with others. I’d been so focused on projecting a strong and invincible outer image, on being trustworthy and helping other people, that my friends Lisa and MaryBeth didn’t realize how much I needed and valued them, too. In fact, their interest in my friendship seemed to wane, before they realized how important they were to me. When I finally let down my guard and accepted their help and support in a low moment, Lisa and MaryBeth were happy to be there for me. I quickly saw that relying on their care wasn’t only for my benefit. They too needed to be needed. My willingness to share my trouble was, in itself, a show of trust, caring, and intimacy. I was reminded of this a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Indeed, the support of friends and family was crucial to my well-being, but so too was my acceptance of help crucial to theirs. Trust is tricky that way–in order to determine if someone else is trustworthy, you need to make yourself vulnerable. However, with a strong base developed through communication and relationship building, that exposure is unlikely to feel risky. The Strength of the Pillar The triumvirate of COMMUNICATION, RELATIONSHIP, and TRUST creates a strong foundation and formidable structure, able to bear the weight of the toughest challenges. Looking at the model, you may wonder why Communication is at the bottom and Trust at the top, if the elements are so intertwined. The reason is that trust rarely comes first. While it’s certainly true that you need to develop a certain level of trust before you can delve into deep or sensitive conversations, the reality is that individuals are more likely to use lighter conversation topics to build relationships and trust slowly, waiting until they are mutually ready to probe and share more deeply. To begin building a pillar, don’t wait for others to make the first move. After you set the tone and model the type of honesty you desire, others are likely to follow suit. Building trust from the top down Most people have a variety of relationships that differ in the level of intimacy. Though not impossible, it’s unlikely that total strangers would dive into a very deep conversation. Because building relationships is an iterative process that takes time, perfect strangers, or those with a history of bad relations, are more likely to start building (or re-building) their relationships with more superficial topics of discussion. After they’ve found some common ground and established a new base-layer of trust, they become better able to scratch below the surface and eventually have deeper, more personal and more difficult conversations. Building Pillars not Walls To build relationships strong enough to tackle the personal, professional, or political challenges we face today, we must start by communicating. Through open, honest and truthful dialogue; by sharing our feelings and experiences, fears and joys; Pillars of Trust will rise. These Pillars will enable us to enjoy supportive relationships both at home and at work, find common purpose, and resolve or respect our differences.

When opposing parties get to the negotiating table, they too often dive into the meat of the deal and begin arguing for their perspective. We see that in how our government operates today and in how people discuss politics, family matters, work challenges, and more. It’s time to STOP, take a step back, and reflect on what’s missing from this equation. Soon after I left business school, I began working for a negotiation and consulting firm that was an offshoot of the Harvard Negotiation Project. I became an expert in Roger Fisher and Bill Ury’s Getting to Yes negotiation strategy and the “7-Elements” approach to conflict resolution. COMMUNICATION & RELATIONSHIPS: The two elements that let it all happen Boiled down, the main idea of the 7-Elements of Negotiation is that opposing parties are most likely to discover win-win solutions if they articulate their underlying INTERESTS, discuss a variety of OPTIONS, and talk about what unbiased STANDARDS will help them come to a fair agreement. Only then will they be equipped to make a joint COMMITMENT or independently pursue their ALTERNATIVES. (*Additional details below.) While those first five elements address the substance of the conversation or agreement, the remaining two address the process: COMMUNICATION and RELATIONSHIPS. As you can tell from the language above, discussing, articulating, and talking about different perspectives is the way to find common ground. Digging in your heals, advocating furiously that you’re right, and not listening to other perspectives do not yield creative, win-win solutions Without communication and relationships, any attempt to work out challenging problems (at home, at work, or in any organization) and come to an agreement will fall flat. That’s why it’s absolutely essential that we get better at COMMUNICATING and building RELATIONSHIPS. Building relationships through communication Communication helps build relationships for several reasons. First, the more you listen, the more you learn about others’ perspectives. Listening thoughtfully, without judgment or interruption, is also a show of caring and respect. With stronger relationships come deeper feelings of trust. Once you have the basis of an honest, trusting relationship, anything is possible — even tackling the most difficult problems and obstacles. Practice asking questions and actively listening to answers The best way to build relationships is to start by asking a question. Set your mind to learning about someone else. In Getting to Yes parlance, experts always suggest that you explore the other side’s interests and perspectives before sharing your own. Not sure where to start? There are lots of fun tools out there to stimulate conversation. Easy Ways to Start Conversations Conversation Decks If you want to engage in deeper conversations, you can find Conversation Decks that address dealing with change, feelings, strengths and weaknesses, values, giving feedback, and more. WeConnect cards provide a fast-paced, fun way to move beyond ice-breaking to real connections. The deck of 60 cards includes: 20 green cards with questions that are fun and light 20 blue cards asking questions that are a bit deeper 20 purple cards asking questions that encourage self-reflection. The set helps spark conversation and build trust by: Offering a suite of activities to cross-pollinate different departments across your company Arming employees and management with a set of questions to break down communication barriers and management hierarchies Giving employees permission to have fun and be excited about work Thumballs Thumballs are soft vinyl balls imprinted with discussion topics. Catch the ball and discuss the prompt under your thumb. Pre-printed topics include Session Openers (for soft-skills training), Getting to Know You, Shaped by Our Past, Leadership, Team Dynamics, Diversity, etc! Quick Response Answer Boards When working with a group of people, ask them all the same question and have them write their answer on an Answer Board. Invite everyone to walk around the room and reveal their answers at the same time. Then, ask people to form into groups of 3 or more with different (or similar) answers and discuss their responses. Mini-Metaphors If you have a small budget, another option is to throw a random collection of knick-knacks in a plastic baggie. Show the baggie to a friend or colleague. Ask each to select an item that represents a past experience, childhood memory, or goal for the future. Alternatively, make up a question prompt or your own. *The “7 elements” of Negotiation Defined INTERESTS – each party must articulate its goals and concerns OPTIONS – together, they must freely brainstorm solutions to satisfy those needs STANDARDS- opposing parties should look for unbiased criteria to evaluate and choose the fairest option COMMITMENT – once the parties agree on the best way they can work together, they compare that option to what they might achieve unilaterally ALTERNATIVES – If parties can’t come to agreement, what will they do? What’s their BATNA – Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement? COMMUNICATION – the process of discussing the substance of your agreement RELATIONSHIP – the interpersonal connections and trust that allow you to discuss the substance of the agreement  

As we try to regroup and refocus after our country’s “great divide,” we all need to work hard at setting new ground rules for respect and open dialogue. A refresher on good manners is long past due. As you talk with people who may have different viewpoints, you may first want to establish a few basic ground rules. When setting ground rules, explain that conversations about politics, diversity, and the like, can be emotionally charged. The goal is to create a safe environment in which people can share experiences, opinions, and fears. To ensure that conversation participants feel ownership over the rules and the process, ask them to take part in the development of the Ground Rules. When they’ve been part of the process, they’re more likely to adhere to the rules. Here are some that you might want on the list: Speak only for yourself No personal attacks Listen – make sure everyone feels heard and validated Only one person speaks at a time Use “I” statements Agree to disagree; disagree without being disagreeable Critique ideas, not people Be positive and non-judgmental; open to new ideas Because it sometimes helps to have visual reminders of the the “rules,” Trainers Warehouse created a set of downloadable posters.