WorkSMART Blog

After the most divisive political season in our nation’s history, I think we’re all trying to figure out how to move on. We talk about unifying our divided country, about building mutual support and repairing relationships, but have little idea how to do it. The key to building relationships (or re-building them, as the case may be), has been and always will be through communication. We must start conversing again about topics that matter. “Conversing” means we’ll have two-way dialogues, where everyone makes an effort to ask questions, listen to answers, understand the diversity of our backgrounds and experiences, and respect differences. We must do our best to understand others’ perspectives with an open mind, so that we can together find common ground and mutually agreeable solutions to complex issues. If we disagree, let us do so respectfully. Let us move away from black and white, and find a silver that suits us all. Yes, silver, not gray, because it’s so much more appealing and reminds us to look for “silver linings” in the clouds. Whether or not our leaders talk to each other with civility, we must. We must take it upon ourselves to set the tone for the discourse that we want in our companies, homes, and communities. Finding our “Silver” Figuring out what questions to ask at a time like this is tricky. In the past, I’ve found it useful to consider the level of intimacy and understanding you hope to achieve, using these four levels as a guide: LEVEL 1: Icebreaker questions – surface questions to stimulate casual conversation LEVEL 2: Common ground questions – find shared interests and build new relationships LEVEL 3: Getting to know you questions – probing prompts to get to the real you LEVEL 4: Deep-Dive questions – deeper discussions to build intimacy and understanding or to address specific challenges If you want to steer clear of politics, starting with Level 1 questions will feel very safe, but won’t necessarily get you that far in building common understanding. Farthest place I’ve traveled Beautiful beach I want to see Animated film I’d view again Chinese food I always order Favorite candy treats Favorite nursery rhyme or fairy tale Museum I’d visit TV channels I like What makes me laugh For folks who are just meeting each other or need to find shared interests and common ground, Level 2 questions can be a good start: What do you like to do on vacation? How do you spend free time Who are the most important people in your life? For good advice, who do you turn to first? Where I wish I lived Something new I’d like to try or learn What do you worry about? Level 2: Common Ground As you build up to Level 3 questions, you move a little deeper to understand others’ motivations, goals, personality, and the experiences that shape who they are. Discussion prompts might include: A non-family member who had an impact on your life A proud childhood moment Your happiest time of life A stressful experience you lived through A time you got in trouble at school A time you went to the hospital An important turning point in your life The age at which you became an adult An experience that made you a better person Something you did that got you in trouble Level 3: Shaped by Our Past and Getting to Know You Starting with a foundation of understanding and mutual respect and a shared agreement of ground rules (i.e. that you will focus on listening, speak only for yourself, etc.), you can delve into Level 4 questions: How should we manage disagreements? Give an example of a goal we are all working towards How can we prevent negative energy from bringing us down? Which would be harder for you: looking different or feeling different? A behavior you encountered that you found disrespectful What would be hardest about being confined to a wheelchair? Level 4: Team Dynamics and Diversity In the past, political questions may have been perceived as Level 2 or 3 questions, but with emotions running as high as they are today, we’d have to categorize them in Level 4. Here are some that might help you toward a path of mutual understanding–remember, the goal is to get each person to speak from their heart about their own fears and beliefs, staying away from the rhetoric shared by any candidate: How do your political beliefs differ from your parents? As you think about immigrants and our changing demographics, what’s your greatest fear? Do you share the same political beliefs as family and friends? What are your core values? What worries you most about our nation? What’s your greatest concern about health care and insurance? What new energy form are you most intrigued by? What modern convenience do you think is most harmful to our planet? Assuming that black lives DO matter and the Police play an important role in our communities, what would you do differently? With respect to the job market, are you most concerned about: your own job, the overall unemployment rate, salary and wages? How do you view the role of the USA in world? How do you want non-Americans to think of the US? Opening our dialogue with questions like these will help Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Independents and others, folks with different beliefs, begin to understand what’s important to them–what they value and what they fear–without focusing on the poisonous rhetoric of the political candidates. NOTE: Except for the political questions, all conversation prompts are available on the Trainers Warehouse website, where you will find our line of “Silver Series” Thumballs.  

I have a friend who’s always said you don’t have to get to know someone in the first 5 minutes… or even the first few times you meet. It takes a lifetime to get to know someone. How true that is. And yet, for many, our tendency is to rush and learn as quickly as possible if someone we meet will remain an acquaintance or become a true friend. While people seem to be increasingly good at texting, snap-chatting, tweeting and facebook posting, conversation is becoming a lost art. Perhaps this is part of the reason why icebreaker questions and conversation prompts have proliferated online. Another explanation could be the fact that our lives are increasingly complex and the number of people we “connect” with has grown exponentially. In response, our tendency is to find communication shortcuts and determine as quickly as possible if we want to invest our precious time into getting to know someone better. Whatever the reason, we hunger for new questions to prompt conversations–prompts that are a step up from “Do you come here often?” 4 levels of discussion prompts In recent years, I’ve scanned through hundreds of conversation prompts that folks have posted online. Some I’ve found to be pretty good; but others, to be honest, are rather uninspiring. Admittedly, determining the right question to ask to start a conversation, is hard. The “best questions” to ask may depend on your goals, how well you already know the other person, the type of relationship you want to develop, and how intimately you want to connect with them. In other words, how deep do you want to get? When evaluating and considering discussion prompts, think of these four levels as a continuum. Differentiate easy-to-answer surface questions to deeper and more introspective let’s-get-personal questions: LEVEL 1: Icebreaker questions – surface questions to stimulate casual conversation LEVEL 2: Common ground questions – find shared interests and build new relationships LEVEL 3: Getting to know you questions – probing prompts to get to the real you LEVEL 4: Deep-Dive questions – deeper discussions to build intimacy and understanding or to address specific challenges Going deeper than icebreaker questions Through this lens, those discussion prompts that I initially found to be uninspiring are better understood as Level 1 “Icebreaker questions.” If you just want to scratch the surface or make light conversation, then there’s nothing wrong with a question like, “What’s your favorite fast food restaurant?” or “What’s your favorite cartoon character?” Such questions are not necessarily conversation starters or relationship-builders, but they can help you break the silence and get people talking to, and maybe laughing with, each other. For those who want to go a little deeper than simply talking about the weather or other superficial topics, Level 2 discussion prompts help people find common ground — that is, topics and interests they might share. These prompts should be easy to answer and not delve too deeply into inner secrets. The goal is to use these questions to determine with whom you might like to build deeper relationships. Moving down to Level 3, Getting to know you questions start to uncover the real person. While these may take a little more thought to answer, they are likely to reveal more about an individual’s goals, ambitions, and past experiences. Prompts that fall into these categories include: A high school regret, How your birth order affected you, Something I’d like to learn, A major decision, A memorable moment, etc. Taking a deep dive Level 4 Deep-Dive questions can grow more intimate or delve into a specific topic like stress, diversity, or team dynamics. In Mandy Len Catron’s New York Times essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she references a study by psychologist Arthur Aron who “succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory.” The study went like this: “A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of 36 increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes.” 6 months later, the couple married! In his study, Aron categorized his questions into three levels. He skips over the more trivial icebreaker questions, starting with this one: “Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?”; and ending with, “Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.” The two core principles in his study are: As you grow more comfortable, you become more willing to answer personal questions. The experience of discussing personal topics truly does bring people closer together. “A lifetime” vs. “the right questions” While not everyone looking for conversation prompts is hoping to fall in love, many long for a way to connect more deeply with the people in their lives–at work, at home, and in the community. Depending on your goals, and how deep you want to go, you can find loads of discussion questions online, as I mentioned earlier. Unfortunately, they’re generally not sorted by goals or levels of conversational intimacy. An easy and playful resource for discussion topics that are categorized by level is the Trainers Warehouse line of Thumballs. Each ball is imprinted with 32 specially selected prompts for a specific depth of communication. If the sequence of questions is not important (as it is in the 36 Questions), the spirit of play brought in by the Thumball can also help to reduce stress and foster increased sharing. To play, you might choose to have each participant answer a different question. Alternatively, have everyone respond to the same prompt before jumping to the next one. Thumball activities are also incredibly easy to facilitate. All you need to do is select the one best suited to your group’s needs. Although it might take a lifetime to truly know someone. Still, a handful of really good discussion prompts can get you pretty close, in a much shorter time. Read More Making “Big Talk” Safe 7 Tips for Formulating Great Questions

Those of us who are conflict-averse hate difficult conversations. It’s no wonder that experts have started calling them “Courageous Conversations.” What makes them hard is: Uncertainty about how others will react Fear of it getting out of control Discomfort about opening a can of worms with no solution Not wanting to make things worse Most are not skilled facilitators with a repertoire of techniques for dealing with group problems and most don’t have time to read a battery of self-help books. So, when we walk into such conversations, it certainly does take courage! But it doesn’t need to. Everyone who is sad, mad, or frustrated shares a common goal: to make it better. Tricks and techniques for facilitating hard conversations It’s not as scary, if you stick to some of the experts’ tried and true techniques, and use simple tools to vet feelings and problems in an organized way. Set some ground rules  We have a shared goal to make things better We will not talk over each other We will focus on the problem, not the person We will speak for ourselves not for them We will demonstrate that we have heard contrary points of view Develop a process Define a process for sharing insights, comments, observations, feelings, about the current situation. Be sure your approach gives everyone a voice. Record input from every person in the room; record it on a flipchart or whiteboard, where all can see Have people write and post sticky-notes for all to seej Share comments (make sure everyone’s ideas are posted). Clump together shared concerns, and develop a group process for which problems to address first. Those that have the greatest financial impact Those that affect the most people Those that participants “weight” as most important Discuss a range of possible solutions Do not look for agreement right away. Rather brainstorm a bunch of different approaches; discuss the merits of each; refine and finesse the approaches with the greatest potential Determine an implementation strategy Tools for soliciting input and structuring your conversation Each facilitator has different ways of teasing out information and helping groups move their discussions and actions forward. Some of our “hands-on” favorites include: 1) Road to There This wonderful tool helps groups envision and implement a change or apply learning. The 5-step group brainstorm process is innovative, effective, and fun! Where is “There”? (The Ideal Future) Where is “Here”? (Current State) What is “The Gap”? (the difference between Here and There) What roadblocks will you hit? (Obstacles) How will you get there? (The Road) NOTE: this set includes sturdy vinyl road map; sticky notes; and participant worksheets 2) Start – Stop – Continue – Change These sticky note pads are a perfect tool to debrief a project, team-building games and exercises, or review work processes and procedures that have become the norm. Great for individuals or small groups, simply pass them around and prompt your group with the following questions: What actions should you START doing to integrate today’s learning into your daily processes? Which actions should you STOP doing to avoid current problems? What’s still working that you should CONTINUE to do? What needs to CHANGE in order to bring about the desired change? 3) Sad * Mad * Glad For more productive teamwork, help your teams clear the air and discuss the “elephant in the room,” so they can move toward mutual understanding, new solutions, and greater productivity. Put a bunch of sticky notes on each table, color coded for sad (blue), mad (red), glad (yellow). Have individuals think about what work issues make them sad, glad and mad, and put one thought on each note. When they are ready, have them come forward and post their notes on a wall or board at the front of the room. The facilitator can begin grouping similar sentiments, so the group as a whole can get a quick visual read about what’s working and what’s causing consternation. NOTE: You can prompt your group, as you see fit, to focus on organizational issues vs. personal issues; or to focus on process issues; etc. You might suggest that it will be easier to think about what makes them glad after they’ve vented their frustration points As you begin to debrief, I’d start with “GLAD,” noting that the team may have lots to work on, but there are some things that are working well, from which they can learn. After that, work on the largest grouping issues first. Because everyone has expressed the problem, the group can turn their discussion to solutions. This tool can be adapted to your content. For instance, if you’re teaching about project management, you could use the tool to uncover problems with your current approach, asking “what about your current process makes you sad, mad, or glad?” 4) Works Well? Do differently? Rather than having a free-for-all, each construct moves the group through a series of structured questions that tease out where individuals are in the current state, what’s good or bad about it, and how they might envision a new and better reality. Create a visible record of the conversation People have a way of repeating themselves until they think their message has been truly heard. Two easy tricks can help limit circular or repetitive conversations: Repeat back the other person’s argument. In fact, try to make their case for them . . . even better than they said it themselves. Write it down for all to see. Recording conversations lets participants see their thoughts have been correctly heard. Several low-tech tools are great for this: Flip Charts – if you fill up one page, post it on the wall where everyone can see it (don’t just flip the page over!) Whiteboard – if you have it, use it! Make sure you’ll have enough space to gather everyone’s input; if not, you might have to write smaller or supplement with flip charts. Tabletop Whiteboard – for small groups, a Tabletop Whiteboard will do the trick. It’s much better than having one person take notes on their own computer or notepad, because you won’t know if your thought has been captured incorrectly. If you are facilitating, it’s okay to paraphrase, but ask participants if you have captured their ideas properly.

Emotional intelligence, acceptance, empathy, and understanding are hot topics in companies, schools, and homes around the world. Some folks are just gaining awareness of the implicit bias and prejudice surrounding them. Others have grown up with it. Well-crafted diversity games allow groups of all kinds to address diversity, equity, and inclusion topics with sensitivity and appreciation of differences. Following is a synopsis of various fun diversity activities our colleagues have posted online. Before we get into any specifics about these DEI games, we should remember Lee Duffy’s words of wisdom: “When facilitating any activity to do with diversity, it is so important to be prepared for strong emotional responses from participants, as you dig and get to the bottom of issues such as bias and inequity, which is where these activities invariably head. People don’t like having the things that make them human exposed in public forums generally.” Diversity Thumball The Diversity Thumball is one of our favorite diversity games that tackles a tough topic with smarts and sensitivity. Thumball™ is a soft 6″ stuffed vinyl ball that looks like a soccer ball and has 32 panels pre-printed with questions suited for adults and teens. Toss it around in a group and ask participants to share their reactions to whatever prompt lies under their thumb. Samples of discussion prompts for this fun diversity activity include: When did you first become aware of racial/ethnic differences? Share a situation when you were in the minority Describe a time you witnessed discrimination Your best experience with a person of a different race/ethnicity What makes you different from others in this game? How do your thoughts about diversity differ from your parents? Describe a time you experienced prejudice Where do you see prejudice? How do you respond to jokes that are demeaning or derogatory? Why do you seek out people similar to you as friends? Do you feel your friends are more similar or dissimilar to you? If you prefer not to toss a ball in this diversity game, pick a prompt from an UNZiP-IT! Deck or Remote PowerPoint Diversity Deck. Community Puzzle This DEI game is one of the most fun diversity activities to try. With the Community Puzzle or Community Mosaic, have players illustrate a blank puzzle piece with colors, shapes, patterns, pictures, or designs representing an aspect of themselves. Have them present and explain their puzzle piece illustrations to the rest of the group. Assemble the puzzle for an instant “tapestry” reflecting the diversity of the participants. A picture’s worth… Choose a favorite deck of photographic cards for this diversity game and have participants choose a card that uniquely… Reflects current emotions or feelings Represents an aspect of their personality Reminds them of a meaningful or memorable experience Once participants have chosen a card, you can have them share its meaning with the whole group or conduct a “pair and share,” where they share the card’s meaning with just one other participant. In fact, photographic card decks have endless possibilities as a diversity game! Face Value For this non-verbal fun diversity activity, all you need for this one is a deck of cards. Before beginning, explain to the group that you will be handing each participant a card, and they are not to look at their own card. Participants will treat each other based on the card’s value without using verbal cues. For example, if a person has a high-value card, you may want to bow, or if someone has a low-value card, you might want to snub them. Hand each participant of this diversity game a card. Explain that when they are told, participants are to put their card on their forehead (without looking at it). Once everyone has a card, have the group put the cards on their foreheads. Begin this DEI game by letting the group mingle for 3 to 5 minutes (for a large group, you might need to add a few extra minutes). After a few minutes of mingling, have the participants form groups based on what they think is the value of their card. High cards on one side, low cards on the other, and middle cards in the middle. Once each group is formed, participants may look at their cards. Debrief questions for the Face Value Diversity Game: How did you know if you were a high card? Low card? Middle Card? How did you treat high cards? Low cards? Middle cards? Who decided which cards are more valuable than others? How about Aces? Are they high cards or low cards? How were they treated? How does this activity relate to how we communicate in everyday life? How do we treat people that we do not know how to value? NOTES: Potential challenges to conducting this fun diversity activity: For smaller groups, you may have to choose the cards rather than hand out cards at random. To play this diversity game, ensure a good mix of high, low, and middle cards is available and include at least one ace. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to answer. Participants need to look at how they actually reacted rather than how they think they should have reacted or will react in the future. Source: Michelle Cummings, M.S. Playing With a Full Deck. United States: Kendall/Hunt Publishing Company, 2007. Posted online by Monica Miller Share a story Everyone has had times when they felt they didn’t “fit in.” (This is one of the diversity games where you can share a personal story.) Then say, “Think back to a time when you felt different. Everyone has felt different…. no matter who they are, where they lived, or how they grew up.” Then ask, “What happened? How did you feel? What did you do? How did you overcome it? Encourage sharing in small groups first, then poll the group. Apply/summarize what they say about diversity. Posted online by Chris Corrado Mr. Potato Head I use Mr. Potato Heads for this diversity game. We have a collection of over 50 and a bunch of pieces and parts for our DEI games. In the end, they are all Mr. Potato Heads but all very different. The classes generally fun. Then, when you line them all up, you get a nice visual of the diversity, too. Posted online by Gary Higgins, Ed.D Danger of Labels I have used an exercise as one of our fun diversity activities, where you print out labels for everyone. Some say, “I never pay attention,” ”I disagree with everybody,” etc. Put the labels on the person’s forehead without them reading it. Then have interaction to see if they can figure out what their personality is. This diversity game opens a discussion on how we perceive different people and how we treat them accordingly. Posted online by Deborah Chandler The Single Story After discussing how we form perceptions and how they lead to stereotypes, I use the movie clip by Chimamanda Adichie, a Nigerian novelist who has given a talk on TED.com called ‘The danger of the single story.” It is a beautiful 15-minute talk on stereotypes and the impact of having single stories about people and places. Then I start our game by asking people to share in small groups: How their narrative has been misunderstood by others. How they have misunderstood others’ stories. To share something of their story that others do not know. How they can go about avoiding single stories about others. I have been amazed at how people open up and share meaningfully. The talk is easily downloaded from www.TED.com. Posted online by Heidi Pasques MORE DIVERSITY GAMES & ACTIVITIES We keep adding new ideas for DEI games and fun diversity activities. If you have favorites, please share them with the group!

When the book Men are from Mars, first came out, I remember being fascinated by these predictable differences between men and women, how they communicate, and how they approach problems. In keeping with that theme, this video made me laugh out loud.

How many times have you acted on an assumption that turned out to be wrong? It happens all the time. Several weeks ago, in the early aftermath of the Marathon Bombing tragedy, I found myself believing that my younger brother, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, was a solely victim of his brother’s violence. The Ladder of Inference As I consider this mistaken belief through the lens of the Ladder of Inference, I see that in the “Pool of Data” (available to me as a resident in suburban Boston), were the reports from Dzhokar’s high school friends, who vouched for his good character. I “selected that data,” lent meaning to its significance, and came away with “assumptions” that led to my belief. We draw conclusions all the time, sometimes not even considering their origin until we run into misunderstandings. Consider your reaction if you see someone cross their arms and look abruptly away from you. You might conclude that they are disinterested and disrespectful, and decide to cut them off from future communication. Alternatively, if you were to engage in a conversation and discuss the observations that led to your conclusions, you might uncover additional data, such as whether they felt a cold breeze, crossed their arms because they were shivering, and looked away to see if a window had been opened. The Ladder of Inference, originally developed by Harvard Business School professor Chris Argyris, helps us understand our communication barriers and come to a common understanding based on shared data and interpretation. It is a wonderful tool if you’re teaching communication and soft skills workshops, but it’s also a great tool to use as a teacher or trainer, to better understand the thinking of your students or colleagues. Read more about the Ladder of Inference.

Conflict resolution is a hot topic, whether you teach negotiation, team-building, leadership, or communication skills. Here are a few conflict resolution games that will help you quickly cut to the core and identify challenges and processes to manage difficult relationships. Each of the conflict resolution activities shared here were shared by our online community. Arm Wrestle Not all negotiation games are what they appear to be! In this quick and easy activity, pairs are set up in what looks like an arm wrestle challenge. It’s up to each team of players whether they approach it as a “wrestle” or as an opportunity to create more value for both. The debrief uncovers our tendency to make assumptions and approach negotiations as a win-lose game. More here… Knot or No-Knot I use a problem-solving initiative called Knot or No-Knot. If facilitated correctly, it’s a very powerful exercise. Out of sight of the group, place a length of rope on the ground in a pile. My rope is about 20′ long. I use a two-colored rope to make it a little more difficult. The object is for the group to decide whether, when they pull the ends of the rope, it will be knotted or not. Before allowing them to closely examine the rope, I ask them to come up with a consequence that the whole group must do if they guess wrong. Also, the decision of the group must be unanimous. Then the fun begins. Usually, one or more participants have a strong opinion one way or the other. Those are the ones I focus on. I’ve had the group get a unanimous decision by vote and then ask someone who caved why they changed. On occasion, the entire group has turned its decision around. You might ask that person who went against their strong opinion what they would do if they were assigned to be the leader of the group and their decision was the final one. Groups often pick the easiest consequence. So once they have come to a unanimous decision, ask those who gave in how difficult the consequence would have had to be for them to stand their ground. Your instance, you might say, “Suppose you each had to pay $100 or $1,000, or suppose someone would be hurt if the decision was wrong? You can do so much with this exercise. It’s very telling when it comes to conflict resolution. A conflict resolution activity posted online by Larry Riggs The Orange Negotiation In Roger Fisher’s book, Getting to Yes, The Orange Exercise was first described as a challenge for two kids fighting over a single orange, the only one left in the fruit bowl. In that scenario, the children learn that one needed the peel for baking and the other needed the juice to quench his thirst. On LinkedIN, Susan Meredith has shared another conflict resolution activity based on this scenario. Her negotiation game goes like this: The group is split into 2 teams, “A” & “B.” The facilitator plays the role of Mandez, the keeper of the only remaining Mandezine Orange (a very rare variety) and the one with whom the teams must negotiate during the conflict resolution activities. Each team receives a scenario explaining why they must buy this special fruit and are told that they may only contact the grower one spokesperson at a time. During the private instructions, Group A learns that they need the rind of the orange to create an important nuclear component that will save the world. They appear to have unlimited resources, which occasionally makes them a bit careless or arrogant. Group B learns they need the pulp of the orange to create a serum to protect pregnant mothers from a deadly disease that is ravaging the area. Without it, all of the expectant mothers will become tragically ill and die. In my experience running this conflict resolution activity, only once did the two teams bypass Mandez and negotiate directly with each other. Once they realized that they each needed different components of the orange they became collaborative and resolved the issue satisfactorily even going so far as to share the costs. They provided Mandez with a reasonable profit even though the demand had radically shifted. Another version of this conflict resolution game, called the Ugli Orange Exercise, which was developed by Search for Common Ground, is here. T-Trade T-Trade from RSVP Designs involves three groups, each trying to achieve the best business outcome for themselves but needing to ‘make deals’ with other groups to be successful. How do they go about making mutually acceptable agreements and yet maintain their focus on achieving the best individual team results they can? Nine Dots Challenge This is a quick “think outside the box” activity. On a piece of paper, draw nine dots in a 3 x 3 grid. The challenge is to connect the nine dots with only 4 straight lines, without lifting the pencil from the paper. Following is a description of the solution . . . don’t read on until you’ve tried it! Starting in any corner, draw a diagonal line to the opposite corner. Second, make a horizontal line from that dot to the dot at the other side of your square, but continue onward the length of a fourth invisible dot. Third, draw diagonally, through two middle dots, again continuing your line to the next imaginary dot. Finally, draw a vertical line through the two remaining dots. Partisan Perceptions I use a story from Steven R. Covey’s book 7 Habits of Most Efficient People, to show that people often come to a negotiation from very different mindsets. Without seeing the world from their perspective, it can be difficult to come to an agreement. Covey tells of an experience on a subway ride: Some kids are jumping around in the same car he is in. As they were really bothering him (he elaborates the scenario), he went over to the children’s father and asked if he could please control his boys. The father responded, saying was that he did not notice that his boys were bothering anyone. Steve thought this was very strange. The boys were clearly out of control. He asked the father how he could possibly not have noticed. The father explained that he was extremely sorry, he simply did not notice. He continued, explaining that he just left the hospital where he and his boys got word that their mother, his wife, died. The father said that none of them had any idea how to act in this situation. At this (if told well enough), everyone in the room gets goosebumps. This new information suddenly makes everyone move from feeling alienated from the father to feeling strong sympathy towards him. Steve also changed his perception and became very sympathetic. He offered to help the family learn to deal with the situation (and he did). Steve (and I) explain that this is called a paradigm shift. Everything we think is always affected by the paradigm through which we are looking. This negotiation skills training game was posted by Joshua Weiss The Blind Men and the Elephant This age-old parable is another great example of being influenced by your unique set of perceptions without understanding the big picture: It was six men of Indostan, to learning much inclined, who went to see the elephant. (Though all of them were blind.) That each by observation, might satisfy his mind. The first approached the elephant, and happening to fall against his broad and sturdy side, at once began to bawl – “Bless me! But the elephant is very like a wall!” The second, feeling of the tusk cried, “Ho! What have we here? So very round and smooth and sharp, to me its very clear. This wonder of an elephant is very like a spear!” The third approached the animal and happening to take the squirming trunk with both his hands, thus boldly up and spake – “I see,” he said, “the elephant is very like a snake!” The fourth reached out his eager hand, and felt about the knee. “What most this wondrous beast is like is mighty plain,” quoth he. “Its clear enough the elephant is very like a tree!” The fifth, who chanced to touch the ear, said, “even the blindest man can tell what this resembles most; deny it if you can, “this marvel of an elephant is very like a fan!” The sixth no sooner had begun about the beast to grope; than seizing on the swinging tail that fell within his scope, “I see,” he said, “the elephant is very like a rope!” And so these men of Indostan disputed loud and long, each in his own opinion exceeding stiff and strong, though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong! <By John Godfrey Saxe – Vermont poet & humorist 1816-1887> Old Lady / Young Lady and other Optical Illusions I sometimes use a series of 6 optical illusion images (e.g. old woman/young woman) that when viewed from different angles, or by different people, look like something else. I put these on slides and ask participants to number a page 1-6. Then, show them a series of these images for 10 seconds each. They are to write down what they believe that they see. At the end of the slide show I have each person turn to someone else and compare lists as I comment that since everyone saw the same images, responses should be the same. Of course, they usually are not. This leads to dialogue about why not and how based on experience, education, and other factors we often view things differently. Conflict Resolution game was posted by Bob Lucas, BS, MA, MA, CPLP Rattling Assumptions – a Think-Outside-the-Box Exercise We used to play this game at the dining room table, when we had friends over. You ask people to look at the pattern the silverware (or pens) is making and attribute a number to it (1-5). Demonstrate first, then create new patterns and ask them to tell you what the number is: Place 1 item vertically and show one finger on the table or on your knee. Say it is a “1“ Put 2 items vertically and show two fingers on the table or on your knee. Say it is a “2“ Layout 3 items vertically and show three fingers on the table or on your knee. Say it is a “3“ Arrange 3 items horizontally and show four fingers on the table or on your knee. Say it is a “4“ Place 5 items crisscrossed and show five fingers on the table or on your knee. Say it is a “5“ Set 1 item horizontally and show one finger on the table or on your knee. Say it is a “1“ You can make up as many patterns as you like. The correct number will always refer to the number of fingers you show, not on the pattern of the items. Even if you say, “look outside the box,” participants are often stumped because they’re focusing on the pattern of the items, not on the fingers you’re showing. As a debrief, discuss why it was difficult, how it felt when others could see the pattern and they could not. Alliance Training Solutions provides facilitation instructions for similar conflict resolution games using markers. They have a video so you can see it in action. Pushy Pairs Add this one to your library of super-quick conflict resolution activities. Working in pairs, get each person to stand facing another. Ask them to put their arms straight out in front of them at shoulder level and touch palms with the other person. They are going to push as hard as they can against each other so get them to stand in a way that is safe. Once they have pushed and felt what it was like – keep them pushing and then tell them suddenly to stop pushing and feel how much of a relief it is. This is what happens when we are in conflict with someone. each of us trying to ‘push’ their message home. It makes for great discussions and learnings. Posted online by Gail Page So many options! Add these conflict resolution activities to your negotiation training repertoire. Because negotiation skill requires good communication and keeping an open mind, each serves an important role in conflict resolution training.

Posted by guest blogger, Betty Lochner, Cornerstone Coaching & Training As I started writing this article, I looked at other related blog posts and found that I’ve written about listening skills more than any other topic this year. I guess I just won’t let go of the fact that, in my humble but correct opinion, listening is the most important communication skill of all. Sure, we all know listening is important. But do we really pay attention to how important is really is? Let me put it this way – being a good listener can transform relationships and improve the quality of your life! I promise! Why is that, you say? Well, first, listening makes sure that you understand what is being said without making assumptions or filling in the gaps during a listening lapse. And, second, when you really listen to someone to hear what they are saying, you make them feel appreciated, interesting, and respected. Isn’t that really what it’s all about anyway? Here are 10 ways to become a better listener 1. Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language. Your body language will say much more than your words — always. 2. Maintain eye contact. Of course, do that to the degree that you all remain comfortable (don’t be a creeper!). Don’t be distracted by anything. Don’t answer the phone, move away from the computer, and put down whatever you are doing. 3. Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts are pushing through, consciously let them go and re-focus your attention on the speaker. Note: this will take some practice! You will get better at focusing if you genuinely concentrate and train yourself to re-focus. 4. Focus only on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next, or how you will defend yourself. It’s okay to pause to think a minute before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more. 5. Respond appropriately. Show you understand by saying riveting things like “yeah”, “uh huh”, and “hmmm”. Murmur and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,” “Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?” and “What did she say?” For this to be helpful, you must be genuine in your reactions. 6. Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree or believe what is being said. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking, and for heaven’s sake, don’t interrupt! 7. Keep your great advice to yourself. Resist the urge to give advice or share your experiences. Assume they just need to talk it out. Unless you are specifically asked for advice, don’t give it. 8. Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”, or “It sounds like….” 9. Be okay with silence. Silence is very engaging! Don’t worry if there is a natural pause in the conversation. Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better understand what is being said. 10. Say thank you first. Always thank the person you are listening to for sharing with you before you respond. Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of mine once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had listened to her for over 20 minutes. Improve your listening skills and improve you conversations, relations, and okay, I’ll say it: improve your quality of life! __________________ Betty Lochner is the Owner of Cornerstone Coaching & Training. She specializes in personal and organizational transformation and is the author of Dancing with Strangers: Communication skills for transforming your life at work and at home. To find out more about Cornerstone’s services and offerings visit our website:

Many trainers like to start with a stimulating question to break the ice, foster introductions, help participants get to know each other, and reduce tension. Trainers and leadership development facilitators from around the world contributed to this excellent list of opening icebreaker questions. Icebreaker Questions about you What are you most proud of in your life? Who has been your best coach in their past and why? What would you do if you won the lottery? (I often offer my answer first to engender trust. I learn what motivates each person as well. Where they know each other, and I do not know them. Tell us something your colleagues do not know about you. What would your mother say about you? How would your biggest competitor describe you? Share a memorable moment of your life. What was a dream you had as a child? (great for a visioning/goal-setting workshop). What was your favorite hobby or pastime as a child? Introduce yourself simply with your name and an adjective that describes you. The adjective must start with the same letter as your first name! When you introduce yourself, tell us the best part of your job, the most difficult part of your job (if there is one), and what topic you are interested in learning more about after reviewing the table of contents. What does family mean to you? What’s your claim to fame? What one day in your life would you like to live over? What is one of the most creative things you’ve ever done? …one of the most silly things? If you could invent or discover one new thing, what would it be? When do you feel most lonely? …happiest? What’s the biggest lesson you have learned from your past relationships? What’s one of your worst habits? If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be and why? Probing Questions about workshop goals Tell me why you are here (even if it’s because your boss told you to) and what your objectives are. I write it down on an easel pad, post it for the day, and review it with the group as we go. Have small groups work on one of these questions: What are your biggest challenges related to________ in 2011? What are the key things you wish to do better related to__________? What drives you crazy related to________________? Using Peter Block’s “Four Powerful Questions” (Flawless Consulting Skills, 2nd Edition, pages 283-286) ask: “On a scale of 1-7, with 7 as the high, answer: How valuable do you plan this workshop to be? How participative do you plan to be? How much risk do you plan to take? To what extent do you plan to be invested in the learning and well-being of the whole group? Try this TRIO of questions What specifically do you want to take away from this workshop? How will you achieve this? How will you know when you have achieved this? Sharing and debriefing participant objectives If you ask questions about goals and objectives, be sure to give the group time to consider their answer before calling on them to share. After you’ve gotten a pulse of the room (from all or a handful of participants), identify the top 2 or 3 responses. Before voting, ask if there are other objectives that should be added to the favorites list. Then, ask for a show of hands to see which of those objectives is most popular. Explain to the group that you will use this as a tool to tailor the content to the class, focusing more time and energy on the objectives people really want.